SimonSays

Giving In To Temptation

28 posts in this topic

For the past 23 months, ever since I found out wifey was pregnant, had our boy etc, I've been behaving myself.

However, over these last 12 months for one reason or another (problems due to giving birth, post natal depression, illness, tiredness......) we've only managed to have sex 3 times. The last time being almost 8 months ago.

I have discussed it a few times with wifey and she basically says not having sex doesn't bother her.

I'm not a saint and despite my best efforts to remain 'good' I've found myself on Twitter following the MK establishments - looking at the websites and 'virtually' shopping.

I've even got as far as getting the money out ready to go down there (working alone from home allows me a modicum of freedom) but so far one thing or another has stopped me going.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my resolve though and find myself thinking 'if I just go and have sex and get it out my system, I'll be fine for another few months' but is that being selfish?

Si

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can hear all the Relate advice in my head on how you might handle this, and I've never been.

Are you at the stage where you've stopped discussing this with your wife ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For the past 23 months, ever since I found out wifey was pregnant, had our boy etc, I've been behaving myself.

However, over these last 12 months for one reason or another (problems due to giving birth, post natal depression, illness, tiredness......) we've only managed to have sex 3 times. The last time being almost 8 months ago.

I have discussed it a few times with wifey and she basically says not having sex doesn't bother her.

I'm not a saint and despite my best efforts to remain 'good' I've found myself on Twitter following the MK establishments - looking at the websites and 'virtually' shopping.

I've even got as far as getting the money out ready to go down there (working alone from home allows me a modicum of freedom) but so far one thing or another has stopped me going.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my resolve though and find myself thinking 'if I just go and have sex and get it out my system, I'll be fine for another few months' but is that being selfish?

Si

I've been in the same boat after children but I would suggest keep persevering with your wife. However, it's a two way street and there may be other reasons why she's not interested - have you looked at your wider relationship?

Childbirth can be very traumatic and raising young babies especially if it's your first can be very emotionally and physically draining. It can take a while to get back to anything resembling a 'normal' sex life. Make sure she knows you value and appreciate her and also try and make time for just the two of you. This might be all the spark she needs. My wife and I sometimes get a 24 hour break from the kids and go and stay in a posh hotel in London, eat at a good restaurant, see a show etc. It really helps to keep the flame burning so to speak.

That said, I still punt so I guess I am selfish. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the replies,

We've been to relate a few years ago. Things were getting back on track (hence the baby) but now it's gone to pot again.

Everything else in our relationship is fine, just physically rubbish. We still cuddle etc but nothing intimate. When I want it she's got an excuse, and the only times she ever hints at it she knows full well I'm exhausted or have to work.

Apart from losing a bit more hair, but I'm basically the same size and shape I was when things were good so unless she just doesn't fancy me any more??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
so unless she just doesn't fancy me any more??

Ask her ! You've seen her fallibilities/insecurities over these past months...

Time without pressure and just the two of you sounds in order... is a weekend away a possibility ?

If you've tried that... well, Relate worked once before.

If you were in your 50's, had done all your childrearing and wife now menopausal or otherwise long term off sex, I'd be replying differently.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have discussed it a few times with wifey and she basically says not having sex doesn't bother her.

Its all very well her saying it doesn't bother her, but does she know it bothers you? You have told her that it does, right?

Apart from losing a bit more hair, but I'm basically the same size and shape I was when things were good so unless she just doesn't fancy me any more??

You need to ask her this question.

Communication is so important but often overlooked.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When the sex ended in my marriage I quickly returned to punting without any guilt, finished with the marriage about six months ago and a lot happier out of it. We had no children however, I certainly wouldn't have given up so easily if there was a family situation - the relationship with your children is a lifetime commitment, so explore every avenue of making it work before taking the first steps to moving on.

No chance that a single visit will "get it out of your system" there are so many lovely ladies working that it quickly becomes addictive, takes a lot of willpower to limit my visits to the parlours purely for my financial health!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been as blunt and asked her if she does still fancy me to which she replied 'of course' and she knows of my 'needs'. I'm guessing she just thinks I'll have a wank and be done with it for another week.

I'm taking her away for a night in January for her birthday, lets see what that brings (will work out costing more than a punt a week for a month! :lol: )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been as blunt and asked her if she does still fancy me to which she replied 'of course' and she knows of my 'needs'. I'm guessing she just thinks I'll have a wank and be done with it for another week.

I'm taking her away for a night in January for her birthday, lets see what that brings (will work out costing more than a punt a week for a month! :lol: )

Where would she get the idea that you are satisfying yourself? Again... communication. Don't leave her to guess.

Is there something deeper going on here? Perhaps something that a doctor/counsellor could help with?

Or is she just one of those wives who needs reminding that there are 2 people in this marriage?

Good luck Simon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She knows about me 'knocking one out' as she so eliquaintly puts it.

For months after we had the baby and tried to have sex it hurt her so rather than go straight to the doctors she decided to wait to see if it was just her needing to heal more.

Anyways, months passed, it got no better so she reluctantly went to the quacks who referred her to a specialist who basically said they'd done such a good job of stitching her up she was a lot tighter than she used to be and he actually recommended we made love more often which would ease the tightness.

We haven't yet done it since. I suspect she's nervous of the discomfort even though previous attempts I've been as gentle as I could (although again I've not asked her, for fear of being accused of pressuring her).

Thanks everyone for their advice. It all seems to suggest the same thing so I'll try to open lines of communication with wifey and report back in a months time :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For the past 23 months, ever since I found out wifey was pregnant, had our boy etc, I've been behaving myself.

However, over these last 12 months for one reason or another (problems due to giving birth, post natal depression, illness, tiredness......) we've only managed to have sex 3 times. The last time being almost 8 months ago.

I have discussed it a few times with wifey and she basically says not having sex doesn't bother her.

I'm not a saint and despite my best efforts to remain 'good' I've found myself on Twitter following the MK establishments - looking at the websites and 'virtually' shopping.

I've even got as far as getting the money out ready to go down there (working alone from home allows me a modicum of freedom) but so far one thing or another has stopped me going.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my resolve though and find myself thinking 'if I just go and have sex and get it out my system, I'll be fine for another few months' but is that being selfish?

Si

Go and have your punt, enjoy and get it out of your system. Women are like that. They kill you with sex to get you and once they do, they loose interest. You can't possibly take your wife for a weekend away every time you want to have intimacy. In any event it is supposed to be spontaneous.

Have your punt and once she sees that you are relaxed and not bothered, she will probably pay more attention worrying that you may go stray.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

maybe it's a matter of redefining or broadening your definition of what sex is?

you say she has had pain and was stitched up quite tightly so i sounds like its penetration she is scared of.

forgive me if this is misguided but i'm just going on what i understand of what you :D have said. maybe (after lots of communication!) she might be up for holding you while you masturbate/masturbating you/sucking you, etc.

you could start with some long cuddling and kissing sessions, and gradually move through various "stages" (did you do the whole first base, second base thing when you were younger? then you'll know what i mean more or less).

often all it takes is for the pressure to be removed, once we relax lots becomes possible where it wasn't before. a long time ago for various reasons i lost my libido (temporarily i am happy to say!) and my lover-at-the-time and i did this kind of thing. we had a series of sessions where any penetration of me (by any part of him) was entirely banned, he stuck to his side of the bargain and we discovered lots of hot ways of pleasing each other, until eventually i begged him to drop the rules and fuck me hard! which he finally did :D and we had no more problems of that kind ever again. plus he won my undying love and respect.

also - re tight vaginas - perhaps if she has a play with herself with her fingers, a few times, followed by you doing similar, she could gradually work up to accepting your penis inside her once again?

it all relies on a lot of communication, trust, patience, and willingness on both sides so i guess it depends on whether you both want it enough. i don't think you should feel bad about getting your needs met elsewhere in the meantime, as long as you continue to put the effort into sorting out your marriage (or giving it up, which is at least honest).

i wonder what she would do/say if she knew how much this is bothering you? if she knew what you were considering?

good luck x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my resolve though and find myself thinking 'if I just go and have sex and get it out my system, I'll be fine for another few months' but is that being selfish?

If you were punting before your child was born and obviously wish to punt afterwards your abstainance seems more through guilt than being a good boy. Hey, the wife going off sex is always a good excuse though. Selfish? Not at all. You just can't resist the temptation, so if your relationship is good I would put it all down to a lack of willpower.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

I was in a similar position to the OP about three years ago (new baby, wife off sex) and did start punting again. My wife and I have sex about once every three months and it is pretty tame (missionary and spoons normally). She says that anything else hurts her. I have encouraged her to seek medical advice but she refuses to do so.

Seeing girls eases my frustration on a short term basis but has just resulted in the real problem not being solved. Ideally I would want to have great sex with my wife and spend the money I give to WGs on her. Unfortunately I cannot see it getting any better - I have tried weekends away etc. but it seems she is happy with a sexless relationship.

I would encourage the OP to persevere with his attempts to resolve the problem with his wife before punting again - the likely result of seeing girls will be that he ends up in a rut like me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyways, months passed, it got no better so she reluctantly went to the quacks who referred her to a specialist who basically said they'd done such a good job of stitching her up she was a lot tighter than she used to be and he actually recommended we made love more often which would ease the tightness.

We haven't yet done it since. I suspect she's nervous of the discomfort even though previous attempts I've been as gentle as I could (although again I've not asked her, for fear of being accused of pressuring her).

Umm, buy her a small dildo and a bottle of lube and ask for a hand job? I can understand your frustration, but are you sure you're being fair to her? Maybe if you just offered to go down on her and she gave you a hand/mouth job?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Forget the wife for sex, with her attitude you are facing an uphill battle that will only get worse. With no stimulation your sex drive will get less and most likely your prostate will start to act up. The effort you have to go to is just not worth it and for what, how can you enjoy sex with such a reluctant partner. Get punting!

The only problem is if she finds out she could divorce you and take the kids and everything and then be shot of your sexual demands. Of course after a couple of months she will fall for someone else and repeat the process.

So have a happy home life and keep your punting under wraps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Simon has mentioned in one of the posts that his wife was stitched up a little too tight.

It seems painful enough to have put her off sex. If you know something causes you pain, you do the natural thing and avoid it [unless you're into bdsm and such]

She really does need to seek medical advice.

Fenton's procedure might be an option, depending on where the problem lies

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for everyone's replies, I have been reading them I just hadn't logged in to reply.

Samwise, I think you and I are in the same situation however I think we're already in the 'rut' you speak of.

Jman, she's got a rabbit which she has used in the past in front of me, but won't reciprocate with a HJ or anything.

I shall steel my resolve and try and encourage the wife to be more intimate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I only just saw this thread now..

I have made comments on this subject in the past. It has nothing to do with your wife no longer fancying you. Many women simply just go off sex once having a baby, her whole focus shifts from her partner to the baby hence the complete disinterest in sex. Suggesting for her to play with toys etc, is just going to make her cross and less likely to be interested I would say rather than make her feel horny again.

It takes time and varies from woman to woman before they feel like having sex again, it is ok to talk about it but do not put pressure on her as again you will get the opposite effect. I know frustrating and unfair from the male's point of view but we are simply just built very differently. Women are complicated :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife and I sometimes get a 24 hour break from the kids and go and stay in a posh hotel in London, eat at a good restaurant, see a show etc.

I remember us doing exactly that once; we still didn't have sex. Hearing the couple in the next room go at it in the morning put the tin lid on it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She knows about me 'knocking one out' as she so eliquaintly puts it.

For months after we had the baby and tried to have sex it hurt her so rather than go straight to the doctors she decided to wait to see if it was just her needing to heal more.

Anyways, months passed, it got no better so she reluctantly went to the quacks who referred her to a specialist who basically said they'd done such a good job of stitching her up she was a lot tighter than she used to be and he actually recommended we made love more often which would ease the tightness.

We haven't yet done it since. I suspect she's nervous of the discomfort even though previous attempts I've been as gentle as I could (although again I've not asked her, for fear of being accused of pressuring her).

Thanks everyone for their advice. It all seems to suggest the same thing so I'll try to open lines of communication with wifey and report back in a months time :rolleyes:

I still could not get all that you said.

My Questions:

1) Did you ever punt during marriage or before?

2) Have you started to punt or are trying to control your urge at present?

My View:

1) It seems your wife is finding it painful to have sex due to some complications. she could be needing sex just as you need but does want to tell it as she thinks its problem of her body and she must not bother you with that. So go to a proper doctor and get her examined for anything that can be cured.

2) Apply Xylocaine ointment out side of vigina before sex, it is a local anesthetic and will not make her feel the pain. Please consult doctor before this!!!!!!

3) Do you both have other forms of sex in this time like oral sex? If not, why not?

4) If she still does not want to have sex anyways, go and live your own few moments with a WG.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Whilst I am not married nor have children I am in a longterm relationship which whilst healthy in most ways it has deteriorated sexually.

Briefly I got into punting few curiosity now find myself about 4 years down the line still doing it and I think like many but not all who punt, wanting to stop but not being able to.

Someone mentioned above spending the money on his partner rather than a WG, it sounds great (and even the buzz of spoiling my partner is nice) but it doesnt resolve the temptation. It stills there in your head and its hard to get rid off, especially with the other site being something like a sweet shop, it really does make it tough not to think 'oh I will have a quick look' and before you know it logging on everyday 'having a look' and then eventually just being back in the swing of things.

I've prob had more bad punts than good, not sure if its because I'm youngish and have set my standards to high (and then being dissapointed with parlours - in Shropshire so relatively rural), but then the good ones have been real good, met some really hot women and had some really good sexual experiences, experiences I will never have with my partner as the particular act(s) is/are off limits.

With the new year people often comes resolutions, I want mine to be (as I think some of yours will be) to stop punting. I really sympathise with the OP as he seems to have done really well abstaining and its something Im scared I will never be able to stop - on the other hand theres the fear of being found out and ruining everything or carrying on secretly and then living with the guilt.

I appreciate this isn't a counselling service but just had to get that off my chest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I still could not get all that you said.

My Questions:

1) Did you ever punt during marriage or before?

2) Have you started to punt or are trying to control your urge at present?

To answer your questions, yes I did punt before and whilst married. She found out about a punt when I became less careful about deleting emails. It took a lot of work and relate sessions for her to forgive me. After this our sex life improved quite dramatically for a few months then started to tail off again. I have punted very very occasionally since then but fear of throwing everything away and, despite what I must sound like on here, wanting to stay 'faithful'.

My View:

1) It seems your wife is finding it painful to have sex due to some complications. she could be needing sex just as you need but does want to tell it as she thinks its problem of her body and she must not bother you with that. So go to a proper doctor and get her examined for anything that can be cured.

2) Apply Xylocaine ointment out side of vigina before sex, it is a local anesthetic and will not make her feel the pain. Please consult doctor before this!!!!!!

3) Do you both have other forms of sex in this time like oral sex? If not, why not?

4) If she still does not want to have sex anyways, go and live your own few moments with a WG.

1) she's been to see a doctor, got referred to a specialist who said that there was scar tissue inside her (where it hurts) and the best way to alleviate the pain was to 'exercise' the area and the best way was intercourse.

2) it's on the inside so not sure if this is applicable?

3) she is happy to receive oral from me but won't do it to me as she "doesn't enjoy it"

4) I haven't got an insatiable sex drive but sometimes it just wells up inside me and I really crave sex, as in I just feel the complete urge shag someone.

Shrops male,

hey mate, don't worry about it sounding like a counselling session, lets be honest, if you're like me and 99% of the punters on here then you have no one you can chat to about your habit in 'real life'.

Thanks to forums like these we can openly talk about things and get fellow punters views on our problems. When you talk about 'just having a look' I can completely relate to that. Even now I find myself looking more and more, almost window shopping with the various parlours and thinking "if only..."

Giving up without something major stopping you (my wife finding an email from a WG was mine!) is truly difficult to do. Even with me I still ended up punting, albeit on a far more limited basis.

Si

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What concerns is me is that it will take something like that (email etc) to stop - by which point really is too late in my case. Appreciate your response.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now