Guest Xenia

The Most Funny Fibs Clients Or Wgs Told You

30 posts in this topic

Yes, I know this whole industry partly based on lies, deceits, untruths, etc. However when somebody telling your innocent fibs, which can be fun (but sometimes sad) at the time to listen, I just thought they need to be a tad bit convincing.

Here is my recent example.

This from the guy I mentioned in "The best inventions thread". Him - in blue. Me in black.

Last year I drove from Uk to Pakistan in my car.

That is quite a stretch! How long did it took you?

About 7-8 days with stopovers.

Why you just did not flew there?

I wanted to see some of the world, and I love driving through different countries.

So what what was your route, and through which countries did you traveled?

I took a ferry to France, then I drove to Mediterranean coast and took another ferry.

In which country you took another ferry on Mediterranean, and where to.

I don't remember.

Blimey, This is sound like a trip of a lifetime, and you don't remember where from and where to you took the ferry? I would remember every smallest town and village I passed, never mind the Ferry ports.

It was about 10 years ago, so I cant exactly recall. Italy, France or Spain

You said previously it was last year.

It was maybe 4-5 years ago. If you give me a map I will show you my route.

If I wil pull map, I will show you how I droved to Burkina Faso, which of course I did not.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate to be patronising, and it was funny, but in the same time sad in a way. I always think when people fibbing to you in such silly manner, they treat you as an idiot, which is not pleasant at all. (to put it mildly).

I have few others examples, but what is yours?

Edited by Xenia

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Sorry, here is another one: (fairly recent)

I am sure conversation about the food one of the most innocent (as well as can be quite sexual with various hints and innuendos) subjects you can talk with a client. I personally can talk about it till the cows come home (literally, lol).

As previous, clients in blue, me- in black.

I always make a Mayo myself!

I could not be arsed. Tried few times, and they are not as good as they stuff coming out of the jar. Life its to short to make own mayo, but I do sometimes costumase the ready made ones.

You really should try to make your own. Its not time at all, and dead easy.

So how you doing it?

Very simple: I whisk double cream and then slowly add oil.

And thats it?

I add bit of salt and pepper and little pinch of turmeric, to make it faint yellow.

Are you sure this concoction ending up as mayonnaise?

Absolutely Xenia!

So you not even using any egg yolks?

Sometimes I do, to add colour.

That is a very new to me. I always thought the main ingredients for mayo: egg yolks, oil, mustard. Never heard about it to make it egg-less, and with a cream?!

Do you have a cream and oil, and a whisk, and I will show you how.

Of course I do have cream and oil, but I rather we can use it for other purposes, definitely not for making make a mayo. (winking)

Pretending not to hearing above: I forgot to say: you need to pour the oil very slowly into cream when you whisking it.

"Laughing" - of course you need to pour the oil very slowly, but not into cream: - into the egg yolks. If you put oil into cream and whisk it, you just will end up a very oily cream. Thats it!

Ok: Xenia: can you bring oil and cream here I provide the whites from my "eggs". (holds and playing with his balls)

No, you need egg yolks for mayo, not whites.

Bring some turmeric, and then my "whites" will looks like a whisked youlks.

And then we continued with all this silly conversation and we did had a laugh about it. At least this guy had a SOH, and we did proper mayo later (not by his "recipe" though, lol)

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"I promise notto come in your mouth"

One of the oldest fibs and an old joke about the missus.

Now there's a strange thing; breaking this promise with a none CIM WG is likely to lead to a slap and a banning and would, I guess, be considered bad form, yet breaking it with the missus is probably considered fair game.

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Xenia

Perhaps your fibbers started off by 'innocently' telling an untrue story, if not a fib to impress, not realising that you would be so interested and make them dig more and more of a hole?

I had a maye years ago who claimed to have motorcycled to Italy. When challenged about his route, when, where and what he thought of it, it became obvious that this had never happened, it was a harmless fantasy.

He was attention seeking, harmless really.

Edited by pollyp23

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It is utterly harmless!

I have a client just now who told me I was only the second person he ever slept with. The next visit he told me about this other girl, I think he realised he hastily added it had happened since we last met the week before, on the last visit just gone he was telling me about when he has one night stands (plural) I would not dream of challenging it, it is not important to me but possibly to him that I think of him in a certain way.

But I think we all have had a dearly departed wife come back to life again!

Edited by Gemma Harris

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Has to be for us older guys hearing the wg moaning "Oh, you are so hard!"

But a nice fib to hear though

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" Your my favourite client" ....... " I can't believe the size of that / it's so hard" etc......."I only do this with you". Afterwards, I smile to myself, but during the punt these little fibs boost me and my performance every time. If I want reality I can always go home!

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It is funny that only last week I had a punter that I caught out on a white lie. Making small talk as I was massaging him, I asked him if he had any holiday plans, (yeah not the most original line). He said he had just came back from spending Christmas in Kracow, Poland. I clearly took him by surprise to say that I have family in Krackow and mentioned some of the places. He was lost for words.

It turns out that he hates small talk, and when he sees a WG, or someone like a hairdresser, he gets the same questions so makes up different holiday locations or careers. He would make up something that he doubted the other person would want to pursue. For example he said he would say that he was a Quantity Assurance Manager, leaving little for the other person to continue the conversation with.

I vowed that I would take a look at my small talk efforts.

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I have had the same jokes/story repeated to me by clients which I find funny. One particular client was tellings me jokes that were too good to be true (you know the ones that are reeled out like they are the persons own experiences and happened to them personally)............. so when I was watching a comedian on a dvd that I got for xmas it was like de ja vu and I suddenly thought, hold on a moment I have heard this somewhere before !!! :P

Other frequent funny fibs are clients names, ages, etc,. I have had a client logged in my work phone under ***** then had him text and say this is ***** (a different name) and I text back saying is that ******* (original name logged under) and he replied saying ah yes it is ******* so sorry thats my nickname/blah blah and forgot the ****** original name he gave.

Some clients are quite open about using various names, others are quite reserved and get defensive. Clients often tell white fibs about their age if too young or too old- if they think you will not see them if they are too old will wipe out/knock ten years off their age. If too young will add a few years on to bump it up.

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I seem to have had a spate of Joe's recently wanting to book appointments with me. I just knew they were fibbing, as when I asked for their names it took a couple of seconds to give it ( you could just hear the cogs clicking away as they were desperately trying to think up a name other than their own). lol

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I seem to have had a spate of Joe's recently wanting to book appointments with me. I just knew they were fibbing, as when I asked for their names it took a couple of seconds to give it ( you could just hear the cogs clicking away as they were desperately trying to think up a name other than their own). lol

I forget my name all the time, even in banks!

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I forget my name all the time, even in banks!

I've just got this image in my head

Cashier: Whats the account name under

You: John... No Garry... No... erm...?? :wacko::blink:

I can just imagine the cashiers face :D

Edited by Dexi

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I've been told a couple if times that I need a bigger condom because of my girth.

I know I'm more average than that and laughed with one lady and said she was just saying it to make me feel good. "No way" she replied, "I'll show you the wrapper" and reached over for "it".

I didn't even bother studying it because I knew it was a different wrapper as "mine" was still on the bedside table where she put it. I would say it was a rehearsed feel good factor for her punters..

Also, having not bought any condoms myself for a great many years, do general Durex, Mates etc even have sizes on them or is it that certain models are larger or smaller?

I'm always honest with my small talk, what does it matter if a lady knows my real first name, my relationship status, work and hobbies or where I've been on holiday? It's too easy to trip over a lie and she's not going to write a dossier to The Sun to out me. I can't lie for toffee anyway so an hour of getting my story right would negate the pleasure of the punt.

DG

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I once had an embarrassing moment because of a name. I had an outcall to a hotel, (one in the chain loved by Lenny Henry). In this hotel there was no large reception area, and no bar. As I walked through the reception doors, my heels clicking in a determined way to the stairs, a vigilant receptionist asked me if I knew where I am going. I said I was going to room xxx, but she was not going to leave it alone. She enquired whether I had a room booked, and I replied that my boyfriend had booked the room and was waiting for me. Oh no, she was not content with that and asked for the name. Well, I only knew his first name, so blurted out "John". "John who?" she asked. I stuttered for a bit, fumbled in my bag and declared that I had left my car keys in the car. I am sure she could see me calling the punter to find out his full name.

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I had a mate years ago who claimed to have motorcycled to Italy. When challenged about his route, when, where and what he thought of it, it became obvious that this had never happened, it was a harmless fantasy.

Well if he wants a route to Italy I can provide one which goes through some interesting places. Duren (Fkk Planet), Saarbrucken (FKK cant remember name), Bruchsal (Pirates Park), Offenburg (Lancalot), across the Black Forest to Schweningen (FKK66). That through Switzerland to Italy. Never punted in Switerland or Italy. Then back via Austria, Vienna, Frankfurt (Oase), Giessen (World), Dierdorf (Finca), Cologne (Samya) then back home, stopping off for a quicky at Planet again.

Perhaps thats why he couldn't mention the route, you might think he was a perv :ph34r:

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I've been told a couple if times that I need a bigger condom because of my girth.

I know I'm more average than that and laughed with one lady and said she was just saying it to make me feel good. "No way" she replied, "I'll show you the wrapper" and reached over for "it".

I didn't even bother studying it because I knew it was a different wrapper as "mine" was still on the bedside table where she put it. I would say it was a rehearsed feel good factor for her punters..

Also, having not bought any condoms myself for a great many years, do general Durex, Mates etc even have sizes on them or is it that certain models are larger or smaller?

I'm always honest with my small talk, what does it matter if a lady knows my real first name, my relationship status, work and hobbies or where I've been on holiday? It's too easy to trip over a lie and she's not going to write a dossier to The Sun to out me. I can't lie for toffee anyway so an hour of getting my story right would negate the pleasure of the punt.

DG

I have a few similarities with this:

I was with a WG fairly recently, one I've seen a few times, and having spent quite a while on the 'build up', reached for her bag and the condoms. Looking back at me, she said something like "I've got different sizes here, and you're definitely not a small!" As DG says, probably a well rehearsed line to make me feel good, but I enjoyed it at the time. Same question applies - do condoms come in different sizes? I can't remember the last time I bought my own :(

Secondly, I'm in agreement about being honest with my small talk. It doesn't worry me if the WG knows my real (first) name, where I went on holiday, a bit about my hobbies etc. What are they going to do with this information? It makes it easier to pick up next time if it's not fabricated. Incidentally, I'm frequently surprised at how much a girl remembers about previous conversations or encounters, even if we haven't met for a few weeks. Do you all practice memory games to help retention?!

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I have a few similarities with this:

I was with a WG fairly recently, one I've seen a few times, and having spent quite a while on the 'build up', reached for her bag and the condoms. Looking back at me, she said something like "I've got different sizes here, and you're definitely not a small!" As DG says, probably a well rehearsed line to make me feel good, but I enjoyed it at the time. Same question applies - do condoms come in different sizes? I can't remember the last time I bought my own

Of course condoms are made in different sizes............. just like underpants and knickers! XL condoms are not so easy to

buy off the shelf though.

I buy those online and order only a box of 24.

When with certain clients who qualify for the bigger condoms I am heard to say:

"these boxes of 24 usually last me months!"

It prompts them to ask why and the obvious answer is that I don't meet a great

many big willies............... :wacko:

~~~~~~~~~~

I have met several virgin clients... ie they said they were complete virgins and never

had sex with any woman before me. I have wondered with some of them if they were

being honest with me but no matter if they weren't.

One of the best fibbers was the guy who arrived in a works van and spent most of the

appointment explaining how he was an under cover cop and his every move was being

monitored as he was on call for some big job he was involved in. I asked if that included

his superiors knowing exactly where he was while he was in my bedroom?

He assured me they knew everything he was doing and exactly which address he was

at.

Twaddle..... pure twaddle.... I think he believed I was impressed. I could hardly lie there

and call him a fantasist now could I ?

One out call to a Lenny Henry hotel where I did not even get offered a soft drink.... the client

bragged incessantly about his wealth and how many thousands he had spent on wgs in one

month.... he held sex parties for top businessmen colleagues and he provided "only the very best" girls

who demanded 1k each for the evening... and of course he paid the bill all by himself.............

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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The lie I always tell is "I'm very rich!".

It works every time <_<

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Maybe some guys tell porkies since it makes them feel more secure, who knows. I dont bother because I dont feel the need..the only thing I may be vague about is my real life profession...I tend to give a generic answer and not be too specific. It prbly seems silly buts Im always paranoid about giving away too much about my personal life.At the same time,Im quite happy to have a convo with wg's though I prefer action ;)

As to wg's telling a few porkies like 'oh you made me cum', all part and parcel..id rather that than a girl who is semi-comatose and doesnt say anything!

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But I think we all have had a dearly departed wife come back to life again!

Oh Yes!!

I had a guy came to me a few times, said his wife had died and left him with a small baby. Always told me his parents were caring for the baby when he wasn't there

He came every other week for about the next 2 months. He would wriggle around all over the show (very hard to massage someone when the wriggle) saying "Oooo its so good to feel a feminine touch again"

Then he stopped, didn't hear from him for 6 months or so... when he came back for an appointment.

He in Blue - me in Black (good plan Xenia)

How's the Baby?

Fine thank you... he is doing really well

Who is looking after him today?

My Wife...

Say no more!!

Edited by LouisaPSUk

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I seem to have had a spate of Joe's recently wanting to book appointments with me. I just knew they were fibbing, as when I asked for their names it took a couple of seconds to give it ( you could just hear the cogs clicking away as they were desperately trying to think up a name other than their own). lol

I forget my name all the time, even in banks!

I love when someone books under a particular name, and then during the appointment you call them by their 'name' and they look at you, utterly perplexed.

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But I think we all have had a dearly departed wife come back to life again!

Was it a civil partnership?

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The lie I always tell is "I'm very rich!".

It works every time <_<

yes, I never get why some guy's in general do this. It must be the first impression thing that guy's think woman like. A guy that is loaded is hardly

going to brag about being wealthy and rich if he has any self esteem and panashe, he would know it is crass to talk in this manner :o:)

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At a club in Germany, her in blue (to match her eyes, not common for a Romanian, but not totally out of the question), me in black.

Hello (Romanian accent)

Hello (English accent) whats your name?

My name is whatever it was

Where are you from? (Usual hello whats your name where are you from conversation)

Italy

Really?

Another girl comes over who she knows and rants about a bloke in Romanian (Romanian accent and brown eyes)

I speak a little Italian 'no capisco che la ragazza parla' Complete with a little waving of hands and shrugging of shoulders

Pause.

She is from Rome and they have a different dialect.

I've nothing against Romanian girls, some of them are loverly, but why do they have to fib about where they come from?

Answer is the club has 90% Romanians and they want to be different?

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The lie I always tell is "I'm very rich!".

It works every time <_<

And how does exactly it works? Wgs does not care if you an oligarch or the pauper. As long as he pay the fee, that is all the matter. Its not like they going to get a hand on your family silver, if you declare yourself "very rich", is it?

Anyway: nobody ever declare themselves rich, unless they got some mental disability.

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