Mockingbird

Funny/embarrassing Punting Stories?

47 posts in this topic

After Reading down's thread about getting wanked off to the wonga advert on the radio and seeing some of the people posting in madam becky's nooky book thread, it got me thinking some of you more experienced punters and girls must have some pretty funny or embarrassing stories to tell.

So anyone care to share?

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This one is slightly off topic as it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but still the best one I've ever heard:

-----

From : Katherine Leigh

To : GP's Message Board

Date : October 08, 1997 at 15:31:48

Subject : Re: Funniest experience (message #6686)

How about the most embarrasingly funniest ...

Several years ago, when I worked at a different house I had a bidet in the bathroom. The gentleman I was with had booked a long party and after some time, I decided to go freshen up.

I was in the process of rinsing myself when the bidet suddenly blew a gasket. Well, if you have never been astride a bidet when it blows a gasket let me explain ...

Simultaneously I was given a douche and an enema. I screamed and jumped off the bidet. The gentleman ran into the bathroom, sliding across the floor. Water was shooting up so high it was actually hitting the ceiling!. I slammed the plunger down and now water was madly swirling around the bowl. I was leaning over the bidet frantically trying to turn the water off but the knobs seemed to be on backwards! He tried to help. He saw the plunger and pulled it up. Bidet water instantly shot up into my gaping mouth, down my nose, and into my ears. My hair was standing straight up with the waters force. Coughing and sputtering I smacked at the plunger and knocked it back down. I staggered back, drenched from head to toe with every orifice dripping.

I don't remember which one of us thought to turn off the main water valve to that silly thing, but finally bidet water was no longer flooding the bathroom floor.

I was grossing out ... he was growing erect. He led me back to the bed. I left a trail of water. He lay on his back and pulled me onto him. I was sitting there watching his belly button fill with water and felt myself start to giggle. He had that I want you look. I was trying to hold back my laughter when it escaped and so did the loudest, most vile, gasser I had ever passed in my life. The thing literally vibrated his belly!!!

He was such a gentleman, he acted as though he had not heard a thing, nor felt a thing, and certainly did not smell a thing even with that green cloud hanging over us. He did jump though. By that time I was laughing so hard that if any more escaped we couldn't have heard a thing.

A red faced,

Katherine Leigh

-----

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Ha ha that's hilarious. It's like something out of a slapstick porno LOL

This one is slightly off topic as it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but still the best one I've ever heard:

-----

From : Katherine Leigh

To : GP's Message Board

Date : October 08, 1997 at 15:31:48

Subject : Re: Funniest experience (message #6686)

How about the most embarrasingly funniest ...

Several years ago, when I worked at a different house I had a bidet in the bathroom. The gentleman I was with had booked a long party and after some time, I decided to go freshen up.

I was in the process of rinsing myself when the bidet suddenly blew a gasket. Well, if you have never been astride a bidet when it blows a gasket let me explain ...

Simultaneously I was given a douche and an enema. I screamed and jumped off the bidet. The gentleman ran into the bathroom, sliding across the floor. Water was shooting up so high it was actually hitting the ceiling!. I slammed the plunger down and now water was madly swirling around the bowl. I was leaning over the bidet frantically trying to turn the water off but the knobs seemed to be on backwards! He tried to help. He saw the plunger and pulled it up. Bidet water instantly shot up into my gaping mouth, down my nose, and into my ears. My hair was standing straight up with the waters force. Coughing and sputtering I smacked at the plunger and knocked it back down. I staggered back, drenched from head to toe with every orifice dripping.

I don't remember which one of us thought to turn off the main water valve to that silly thing, but finally bidet water was no longer flooding the bathroom floor.

I was grossing out ... he was growing erect. He led me back to the bed. I left a trail of water. He lay on his back and pulled me onto him. I was sitting there watching his belly button fill with water and felt myself start to giggle. He had that I want you look. I was trying to hold back my laughter when it escaped and so did the loudest, most vile, gasser I had ever passed in my life. The thing literally vibrated his belly!!!

He was such a gentleman, he acted as though he had not heard a thing, nor felt a thing, and certainly did not smell a thing even with that green cloud hanging over us. He did jump though. By that time I was laughing so hard that if any more escaped we couldn't have heard a thing.

A red faced,

Katherine Leigh

-----

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That copy/paste by G is quite funny.

wonder who the bloke was though.

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That copy/paste by G is quite funny.

wonder who the bloke was though.

I bet it was G!! :D

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I bet it was G!! :D

No, it wasn't me! I did meet Katherine a few times when she worked at the Sagebrush Ranch and enjoyed chatting with her. Lovely lady. Never saw her as a client though.

The website (now sadly long gone) where Katherine posted that story, and which dealt with the legal brothels in Nevada, was the one which inspired me to create PN.

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The website (now sadly long gone) where Katherine posted that story, and which dealt with the legal brothels in Nevada, was the one which inspired me to create PN.

part of punting history.

(and yes I also wondered if it wasnt the man himself)

There is one funny story out on a Ladies blog where I feature, but I'm glad she obfuscated it sufficiently.

I'm currently digging my memory for sufficiently funny stuff...

(but quite happy to say most of my meetings proceed without too much unexpected slapstick stuff)

Food-incident with a well-known-funny posteress on here.. nah, not that funny.

Restaurant-adventures (possibly two, but not that special)

Hotel-window-adventures (nah, there are at least two girls who have more interesting window-type adventures on their memory-books)

Stockings incident. maybe, but the girls is better situated to recount it.

Hotel staff interfering: yes! at least two. let me give it some thought.

Hotel-bar story with newby escort, maybe.

(let me file this away for later, got a few other busy-items on still)

hm...

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Food-incident with a well-known-funny posteress on here.. nah, not that funny.

I just want to clear this out, it was not me! (even though it sounds like it might be me, lol).

Anyway: back to the topic.

1 Bearbacking with a client. We gone to the field at 3am (it was overnight booking), He had some of his horses and ponies grazing outside.

He jumped first on the horse, then he gave me a hand and I jumped after, but end up facing the horse tail. Mare bolted, (obviously did net get use to two quite drunk people sitting on her back) and he fell off after about 50 yards. I was riding it back forward for another half mile or so, but she was kicking her back legs,so I fell too eventually. Luckily nobody suffered any serious injures.

2 Jumping in the canal on the 12 of December (2004), when client (he was French, but its not exactly relevant), told me that his wife is "absolutely crazy" and if she was with him right now, she would jump in the canal. He obviously underestimate my level of "craziness".Long story, but he provoke me to jump and I blame him,lol. Water was so bloody cold, and I could not feel my legs anymore, just gone numb, I could not climb back, because of the high walls around the canal. This guy to do his best, but being the spitting image of Danny De Vito, (as under 5ft tall, and about 100 kilo) his hands could not reach mine to pull me out because of this this high brick wall. Luckily some guys was walling alongside the canal, seen this comedy developing (they did watch it for a while, at least 5 min). One of the jumped in the freezing water and pull me up, and his mates got my hands and pulled me out. I still was in a reasonable condition, lol, minus scratched bruised knees and almost non existent stockings. Never even got a cold, after about speeding at leas 40 min in the water, which I estimate was about 4C-5C. This guy, who "save" me is an absolute hero. He was a good looking too. I only wished that "Danny De Vito" was not with me at the time.

3) Broke my wrist once, (and it was not RSI, lol). Practical joke gone wrong.

When we finished first bottle of wine, which took us about 30-40 min, client tried to order some more from the room service, but they said it might take 20 min to deliver, so he gone to the the hotel bar to buy it from there. I decided to hide from him, and stepped outside the window on one of those protruding architectural features. It was quite low down, so I only just about stretch my neck to look through the window, and see his reaction, when he comeback and see that I am "escaped". He must gone for about 15-20 min. I had my bag with me when I was standing on this little 3sm protruding "feature! Then I lost the balance and fell down. It was second floor, but it still was very high (Coombe Abbey hotel), about 20metres drop. Luckily I fell on the bushes and then rolled to the grass. Only broken wrist and sprinkled uncle.

I am fed up now. I am not anymore like that, and I am matured. My mother always said to me: "Once you will hit 40, you Will lose it. You just will become invisible "nothing", without any strong core, guts and spirit, like I did!" She was so right, and I so wished at time, that her words never going to apply to me. But they did! Mothers are always right. (one of the clichés, which is mostly true).

Of course I know, that my behavior was so extremely unprofessional in the above cases (as well as many others), but then there was not a single person in existence who were even mildly upset about it.

Damn! Only wanted to reply to Ptrleeds quote,and end up to type a something akin to confession here. :-(

Edited by Xenia

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Sounds like you should start offering a "Damsel in Distress" service Xenia :P .

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Sounds like you should start offering a "Damsel in Distress" service Xenia :P .

But I am not "damsel in distress", nothing even close!

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Hope you didn't think I said that in a patronising way, was just a joke! :)

Being trapped in a freezing canal certainly sounds like quite a hairy situation though, 5 celsius is easily low enough to cause hypothermia after a while! :eek:

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"sprinkled uncle" - wonderful turn of phrase! :D:P

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This happened last month - I with my regular Polish girl who does my role-playing needs for me. We'd played out a nice fanatsy where i was a hotel guest who caught the room maid stealing money and I get her to undress or i tell the boss...anyway, i digress..so towards the end of the session, I'm on all fours on the bed and she has a dildo up my arse and is gently fucking me with it. I suddenly get the urge to get it in a little deeper, unfortunately, she senses this and at the same time I push back, she rams it in harder.

I get the stinger from hell and, as a reflex action, I spin round in pain and basically forearm smash her right in the face....

I am absolutely mortified, for a moment I think she's going to cry, I jump up and grab her, apologising for all my life is worth...She looks up and smiles, trying not to cry...

Luckily, we had a laugh about it but i was so embarrased.....she's a lovely girl and it was a horrible moment..

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But I am not "damsel in distress", nothing even close!

No but I think anyone thinking of visiting Xenia should check out their life assurance, and consider wearing some protective clothing!! :lol:

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"sprinkled uncle" - wonderful turn of phrase! :D:P

LOL. Yes, I did meant "ankle". My uncle certainly does not need any sprinkle, more like a complete re-spray and a full bodywork. (according to my aunt anyways). ;-)

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OK, here are a few of mine.

Sunday evening, quiet day in this good hotel, but understaffed-on-sunday.

Nice 22yo, gorgeous looking, stylish but neutrally dressed, busty redhead, Makes clever, presentable first impression.

She perfers red whine, which we didnt have in the room...

OK, we risk a trip down to hotelbar (hardly anybody there, deffo no colleages).

I'm kinda chuffed to walk around with such a beauty (near enty hotel, reception would have been looking at the cctv...)

She was in first week of working, with agency. Still a little un-easy with the job, but quickly gaining confidence..

So We order two large glasses of red and barman goes and gets the bottle + glasses. (empty bar, less then 3 other ppl in various corners of bar)

She, on a cheerful note: "You know, this hole escorting thing is a lot easier then I thought it would be..."

I must have turned white. (barman didnt budge...)

Rest of the meeting also went brilliant, btw. The girl was a natural!

Very Vigorous, fit Lady, late 30s.

We had sex like athletes in various positions and were both really into eachother.

Made a lot of bonking-style noise.

Phone rings: reception. can we tone it down a little bit, as the airline crew next door has to get up at 0400.

Girl hugely embarassed, but we did manage a good finishing thrist.

She was Mint!

Funny, both the above incidents were with Ladies who were fairly new to the game.

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I just want to clear this out, it was not me! (even though it sounds like it might be me, lol).

I wouldnt refer to Xenia as merely "funny'

More like totally ... whatever.

But nice anecdotes, btw.

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Ah, yes, hotel staff...

One Lady (again, not Xenners!) on a rather long date was quite thirsty, we ordered one, then 2nd, then third bottle of white (I dont normally....)

Each bottle was deleverd on trolly by bellboy, or whatever they call the room-service guys - respect to them!

In this case, first guy took good look at the gorgeous, slim blonde with the massive cleavage, leaning over.

2nd bottle was delivered by another guy, who also took a good look.

3rd bottle: again another guy delivering...

The meeting went Perfect, and the girl left after a significant overrun in the wee hrs of the night, but.. she forgot something.

Lady forgot a delicious looking pair of shoes that night. The shoes, I left in the room with some instructions as to who+when would pick them up.

Staff must have had a great laff.

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more hotel staff-stuff...

I used to order (still do) some nibbles and drinks for a meeting.

So, normally at 2100, i place order, which gets delivered largely in time.

One time, they didnt have the exact items on the order, and delivery is late.

I called again around 2145 to inquire for my foodstuff. and they excuse prodoundly for delay, as some item seemed missing.

Delivery at 21:55 finally, Relief. And many more excuses from the delivery-staff (bless him, and bless his cotton socks, but please hurry and get out now...)

me: its ok, no worries.. (going on 21:57, date is at 2200, and I need to finish shower..)

Door rings at 21:59 (me still getting dressed): not the Lady... the impeccably dressed, and polite, duty manager!

If I would excep the apologies for the late and incomplete roomserivice delivery and if I would accept some other food items in return.

My guess is he was totally clued in and pulling my leg like mad.

Lady, as is generally the case, did arrive about 5 min late, and meeting went Fine!

But again, I presume the staff had a good laff at it all.

Edited by ptrleeds

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Some funny stories here!

One of mine - when I book for incalls I always ask the lady to be discreet, dress down, don't make it obvious, wear a Parka or something etc...so neighbours in the apartment block don't get suspicious and do the old nudge nudge, wink wink.

As I have a penchant for big busted girls, it has the potential to be obvious..

anyway, cut a long story short, asked one lady who was DD all the usual requests and at the appointed time I could hear this clatter of stillettos outside the front door to the block and looked out window to see the lady teetering away as she tried to find out where I was.

I thought I'd best go down to meet here just in case so I got to the door and opened it and put my finger to my lips as if to say 'shh' and we then made our way up the stairs. She was well wrapped up, but it was the heels for me,that were making a racket on the steps. She could see I was a bit panicky and started giggling. up the flights we go to my place and so far, so good. She's still chuckling at my discomfort when we reach my floor and turn the corner to go down the corridor, coast clear .....but she's not next to me.....she's held back behind the corner and then all of a sudden jumps with in a flourish, shoes in one hand, her coat and top undone, her norks out and her other hand cupping them and thrusting them towards my face:

"well, at least THESE won't make a noise and disturb the neighbours" she says - just as the guy in the next but one apartment to mine decides to exit his place for the pub!

Don't know if he was more embarrassed/shocked than me but I have steered clear of him since and every time I go past his door I have visions of him peering through the spyhole......

as for the lady, well, she got a 'chastising' in the confines of my bedroom and I sent her back to her car afterwards down the waste disposal chute..! :D

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I have quite a few funny stories lol don't know if I can put them here lol :P haha xxx will get back on this thread :)

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I just want to clear this out, it was not me! (even though it sounds like it might be me, lol).

Anyway: back to the topic.

1 Bearbacking with a client. We gone to the field at 3am (it was overnight booking), He had some of his horses and ponies grazing outside.

He jumped first on the horse, then he gave me a hand and I jumped after, but end up facing the horse tail. Mare bolted, (obviously did net get use to two quite drunk people sitting on her back) and he fell off after about 50 yards. I was riding it back forward for another half mile or so, but she was kicking her back legs,so I fell too eventually. Luckily nobody suffered any serious injures.

2 Jumping in the canal on the 12 of December (2004), when client (he was French, but its not exactly relevant), told me that his wife is "absolutely crazy" and if she was with him right now, she would jump in the canal. He obviously underestimate my level of "craziness".Long story, but he provoke me to jump and I blame him,lol. Water was so bloody cold, and I could not feel my legs anymore, just gone numb, I could not climb back, because of the high walls around the canal. This guy to do his best, but being the spitting image of Danny De Vito, (as under 5ft tall, and about 100 kilo) his hands could not reach mine to pull me out because of this this high brick wall. Luckily some guys was walling alongside the canal, seen this comedy developing (they did watch it for a while, at least 5 min). One of the jumped in the freezing water and pull me up, and his mates got my hands and pulled me out. I still was in a reasonable condition, lol, minus scratched bruised knees and almost non existent stockings. Never even got a cold, after about speeding at leas 40 min in the water, which I estimate was about 4C-5C. This guy, who "save" me is an absolute hero. He was a good looking too. I only wished that "Danny De Vito" was not with me at the time.

3) Broke my wrist once, (and it was not RSI, lol). Practical joke gone wrong.

When we finished first bottle of wine, which took us about 30-40 min, client tried to order some more from the room service, but they said it might take 20 min to deliver, so he gone to the the hotel bar to buy it from there. I decided to hide from him, and stepped outside the window on one of those protruding architectural features. It was quite low down, so I only just about stretch my neck to look through the window, and see his reaction, when he comeback and see that I am "escaped". He must gone for about 15-20 min. I had my bag with me when I was standing on this little 3sm protruding "feature! Then I lost the balance and fell down. It was second floor, but it still was very high (Coombe Abbey hotel), about 20metres drop. Luckily I fell on the bushes and then rolled to the grass. Only broken wrist and sprinkled uncle.

I am fed up now. I am not anymore like that, and I am matured. My mother always said to me: "Once you will hit 40, you Will lose it. You just will become invisible "nothing", without any strong core, guts and spirit, like I did!" She was so right, and I so wished at time, that her words never going to apply to me. But they did! Mothers are always right. (one of the clichés, which is mostly true).

Of course I know, that my behavior was so extremely unprofessional in the above cases (as well as many others), but then there was not a single person in existence who were even mildly upset about it.

Damn! Only wanted to reply to Ptrleeds quote,and end up to type a something akin to confession here. :-(

Excellent post Xenia!!! :) xxx

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two quick ones frm me that made me laugh. short n sweet.

first one was I got kicked in the head by a stripper the stiletto wacked in my head and made me bleed had to get an ice pack and the strippers looked after me!

and another funny one was I was with a woman before the massage she offered to get me some thing to eat and she made a salad with chicken then she came out and served the food to me and shouted "Do you want to eat it off my fanny!" that one made me Laugh aswell.

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