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Alwayshoping

How Do Married Men Cope With The Guilt?

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Hi, I'm new here. I pay for sex once in a long while because although I love my wife she isn't interested, mainly, I think, because she hardly ever needs it herself, and only allows me a little sex to oblige me now and then. It's very poor sex, definitely not love making, always in the dark, and she doesn't take part, really doesn't much like touching me down there and will only do it a very little if I practically beg her to.

Much about sex disgusts and revolts her, such as oral sex, bodily fluids, you name it... so I only get to put it in while she lies there, no passionate kissing, no nothing. She just waits in total silence, eyes shut, lying motionless, while I get on with it, having given me almost no physical stimulation. As an example, she's never once masturbated me in 30 years and never will. It's all so depressing and not what I ever wanted sex wiithin marriage to be.

We tried sex therapy for nearly a year but nothing worked. She never thinks about sex because sex is the last and least important thing in the world to her, I think. it's practically irrelevant to her life and she hates even talking about it with me. I've told her how important it is to me but nothing I say makes any difference.

But in spite of all, I love her, and absolutely hate cheating on her. If she knew she would be devastated. I'd like to be open and transparent but I never want to hurt her so can't ever tell her I'm going to pay for sex. On the rare occasions when I do pay, the guilt and conflict I suffer is dreadful and I hate being in this situation of having to cheat someone I love, or else just do without.

I just wondered if any others here have similar problems, and if they are also racked and tormented by guilt, guilt ,guilt.... and feelings of self-loathing for being a low liar and a cheat. it's not a good place to be in, but I've been in this situation for years and nothing is going to change now.as I'm now in my 70s.

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Hi, I'm new here. I pay for sex once in a long while because although I love my wife she isn't interested, mainly, I think, because she hardly ever needs it herself, and only allows me a little sex to oblige me now and then. It's very poor sex, definitely not love making, always in the dark, and she doesn't take part, really doesn't much like touching me down there and will only do it a very little if I practically beg her to.

Much about sex disgusts and revolts her, such as oral sex, bodily fluids, you name it... so I only get to put it in while she lies there, no passionate kissing, no nothing. She just waits in total silence, eyes shut, lying motionless, while I get on with it, having given me almost no physical stimulation. As an example, she's never once masturbated me in 30 years and never will. It's all so depressing and not what I ever wanted sex wiithin marriage to be.

We tried sex therapy for nearly a year but nothing worked. She never thinks about sex because sex is the last and least important thing in the world to her, I think. it's practically irrelevant to her life and she hates even talking about it with me. I've told her how important it is to me but nothing I say makes any difference.

But in spite of all, I love her, and absolutely hate cheating on her. If she knew she would be devastated. I'd like to be open and transparent but I never want to hurt her so can't ever tell her I'm going to pay for sex. On the rare occasions when I do pay, the guilt and conflict I suffer is dreadful and I hate being in this situation of having to cheat someone I love, or else just do without.

I just wondered if any others here have similar problems, and if they are also racked and tormented by guilt, guilt ,guilt.... and feelings of self-loathing for being a low liar and a cheat. it's not a good place to be in, but I've been in this situation for years and nothing is going to change now.as I'm now in my 70s.

I am very sorry to hear about this, i have sadly read similar on here before. Perhaps others in your position will post, i have never experienced this myself fortunately. :)

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What a very sad situation you are in. I can't help wondering whether your relationship has always been like this, or whether this is a situation that has developed.

Two comments: firstly I do not think you should feel too guilty, your wife is not interested in providing an aspect of marriage that is universally accepted as an important part, and which you have told her is important to you, and which you as a couple have unsuccessfully tried to deal with by sex therapy. Frankly, she should be the one feeling guilty for failing you in this way. By occasionally getting satisfied elsewhere in a way that she does not know about and therefore is not hurting her, you may actually be helping to preserve your marriage.

Secondly, if you are not able to rationalise away your guilt like that, would you feel less guilty if instead of penetrative sex you had a sensual massage with a "happy ending"? That is something that many punters move on to in later life anyway, and might provide relief without guilt or at any rate the same level of guilt. "I did not have sex with that woman" to quote a well-known American.

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A lot of men are in marriages that ring true with what you have described (me included), yes I do feel guilty and wish things were different as I love her dearly, BUT I'm not willing to live a sexless life, just because my wife is no longer interested after 2 children.

Only you can make the choice to continue seeing escorts and gaining some sexual release, or loyal and miserable.

Good luck!

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I have sometimes had hand relief only, for the exact reason you gave, Babar. Also, since it's 100% safe I have no worries about passing on anything, my biggest nightmare.

But the norm where I am, and where there seem to be touring wgs only, is about £80 for half an hour no matter what you do. I'm definitely not mean, but paying that and not even getting the thrill of having full sex is a shame. Also, it's a lot when one is a pensioner. You can buy a lot of food for that!

My wife is 18 years younger than me, but her unwillingness to give me what I need is costing us both a lot more than she realises.

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Hi, I'm new here. I pay for sex once in a long while because although I love my wife she isn't interested, mainly, I think, because she hardly ever needs it herself, and only allows me a little sex to oblige me now and then. It's very poor sex, definitely not love making, always in the dark, and she doesn't take part, really doesn't much like touching me down there and will only do it a very little if I practically beg her to.

Much about sex disgusts and revolts her, such as oral sex, bodily fluids, you name it... so I only get to put it in while she lies there, no passionate kissing, no nothing. She just waits in total silence, eyes shut, lying motionless, while I get on with it, having given me almost no physical stimulation. As an example, she's never once masturbated me in 30 years and never will. It's all so depressing and not what I ever wanted sex wiithin marriage to be.

We tried sex therapy for nearly a year but nothing worked. She never thinks about sex because sex is the last and least important thing in the world to her, I think. it's practically irrelevant to her life and she hates even talking about it with me. I've told her how important it is to me but nothing I say makes any difference.

But in spite of all, I love her, and absolutely hate cheating on her. If she knew she would be devastated. I'd like to be open and transparent but I never want to hurt her so can't ever tell her I'm going to pay for sex. On the rare occasions when I do pay, the guilt and conflict I suffer is dreadful and I hate being in this situation of having to cheat someone I love, or else just do without.

I just wondered if any others here have similar problems, and if they are also racked and tormented by guilt, guilt ,guilt.... and feelings of self-loathing for being a low liar and a cheat. it's not a good place to be in, but I've been in this situation for years and nothing is going to change now.as I'm now in my 70s.

Was she like this before you married her?

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Have you offered to wear a condom?

If the fluids thing grosses her out, it may help.

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I don't feel guilty - but I feel like I have made a major cock up of my life that I have got myself into a marriage where I have to lie, cheat and get found out. That hurts.

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How do we cope with the guilt? Being shallow and insensitive helps.

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Hi, I'm new here. I pay for sex once in a long while because although I love my wife she isn't interested, mainly, I think, because she hardly ever needs it herself, and only allows me a little sex to oblige me now and then. It's very poor sex, definitely not love making, always in the dark, and she doesn't take part, really doesn't much like touching me down there and will only do it a very little if I practically beg her to.

Much about sex disgusts and revolts her, such as oral sex, bodily fluids, you name it... so I only get to put it in while she lies there, no passionate kissing, no nothing. She just waits in total silence, eyes shut, lying motionless, while I get on with it, having given me almost no physical stimulation. As an example, she's never once masturbated me in 30 years and never will. It's all so depressing and not what I ever wanted sex wiithin marriage to be.

We tried sex therapy for nearly a year but nothing worked. She never thinks about sex because sex is the last and least important thing in the world to her, I think. it's practically irrelevant to her life and she hates even talking about it with me. I've told her how important it is to me but nothing I say makes any difference.

But in spite of all, I love her, and absolutely hate cheating on her. If she knew she would be devastated. I'd like to be open and transparent but I never want to hurt her so can't ever tell her I'm going to pay for sex. On the rare occasions when I do pay, the guilt and conflict I suffer is dreadful and I hate being in this situation of having to cheat someone I love, or else just do without.

I just wondered if any others here have similar problems, and if they are also racked and tormented by guilt, guilt ,guilt.... and feelings of self-loathing for being a low liar and a cheat. it's not a good place to be in, but I've been in this situation for years and nothing is going to change now.as I'm now in my 70s.

Guilt? Sorry No idea what you are talking about.

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Was she like this before you married her?

Have you offered to wear a condom?

If the fluids thing grosses her out, it may help.

We got married very quickly as she came from a very religious background and there was a lot of opposition to overcome unless we just forestalled it and went ahead. With her being so very strict before marriage I had no way to find out how little interest she actually had. In any case I felt confident I could broaden her mind once she was married and knew she was not doing anything immoral, so to speak. Completely wrong!

As for condoms as an answer to the fluids aversion, well, I discovered she hated the sight and feel of them. So nothing has ever worked. I've made a huge, long lasting mistake but hate to admit it to myself.

Thank goodness there are working girls! When I was very young and single, desperately shy and very lacking in confidence - for all sorts of good reasons in my past, I felt they were the only girls who were really nice to me. So friendly and warm, some of them. I loved being with them. People would say it was only because I was paying them to be nice but I wanted to believe they often really did like me a little bit!

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Well personally I think that paying for sex is an honest way of getting what you need. I had two divorces as a result of extra marital sex before I realised that I didn't need the relationship - just the sex. Now I'm happily married but I punt regularly to keep myself from straying.

It works for me.

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A lot of post-rationalisation helps and there are some good pointers from other contributors....that is, I'm afraid, the only way that you will be able to overcome the guilt.

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How do we cope with the guilt? Being shallow and insensitive helps.

And totally selfish i find is a big help. I dont let guilt stand in the way of having fun while punting, if i did it wouldnt be as much fun and would spoil my vibe. :) To be guilt ridden must be a terrible thing.

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Never had any guilt - even the first time. Whether thats the money or being with another woman. Its not emotional (although I really really like a couple of regs), purely physical, and is locked away in a tiny private compartment of my life

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I haven't suffered from guilt, except a twinge after my first proper punt, when a lapdancer came back to my hotel after she finished work and we had a kind of overnight for a fairly token amount of money. I think most men are capable of "compartmentalising" so that home/family is entirely separate in our heads from the naughty things we get up to (especially when that occurs whilst away from home on business for example).

If my wrongdoings were to be exposed however I am sure I would feel guilty as hell for the rest of my life for all the hurt I had caused.

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Guilt is a powerful emotion and limits most people's actions in one way or another. However, if you really feel the guilt, you will not repeat the actions that provokes the guilt.

So if you carry on punting the guilt is insufficient to change your pattern of behaviour. We are all different but those that carry on punting can not feel 'guilty enough'. If they did they would stop.

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Never had any guilt - even the first time. Whether thats the money or being with another woman. Its not emotional (although I really really like a couple of regs), purely physical, and is locked away in a tiny private compartment of my life

Likewise- don't do guilt.

Mrs Akan may well have a good idea of my hobby, but I just feel it is a matter of good manners and decent behaviour to be discreet and avoid openly bringing it to her attention

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everyday we're one day closer to death. People as they die, invariably reflect on their lives and have many regrets ..... but you can't turn the clock back.

Do you really want to die a martyr? Don't dismiss the question, think very, very hard about it.

You obviously have some unfulfilled sexual needs and wg's, that's why there is a demand for them. Look at it as the lesser of two evils. The paying approach means that discretion is assured, the relationship is purely sexual and each visit for a predetermined time. Basically it's uncomplicated.

The affair approach is riskier. Less monetary cost (actually, probably more!!!), emotional ties, likely to be with someone known to both of you and more time consuming.

You need to change your mindset ....... you're doing this to save your marriage and sanity. You're doing this so that you'll die content. You're doing this so that you don't have to make her do something she hates.

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I concur entirely with the perspective put forward by Navstar.

I guess it is what men did in times gone by, and the Royals have been at it for centuries although their encounters were (are ?) presumably with ladies or gents in their circle who kept it discrete and unspoke of. It is a better, although dishonest, alternative than divorce, keeping all parties content without the grief that would come with it being discussed with our partners and the aqrgumenst that would follow.

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OP, you have my sympathies. But, as someone else has enquired, was she like this prior to marriage? If so, begs the question why did you marry her, but I'll assume everything was great before marriage and any kids you may have etc.

I've read situations like this from a few people on these boards and I feel your pain; it actually makes me think twice about whether a long-term lady companion with the possibility of marriage is really what I'd like in my life. However, I am in the 'thou shalt not punt whilst married or with GF' camp, although (hopefully) it doesn't come across as judgemental, because it certainly is not intended to be.

I'm of the view that if any future Mrs Bastard, who was jumping on my tiny pole at every opportunity and swallowing like a dirty tart, suddenly became a sexless, inaffectionate battle axe, we'd sit down, discuss my failings and inadequacies as a man (it would naturally be my fault) and either sort it out or go our separate ways. I use the analogy of a woman marrying a guy in a six-figure salary job, and he quits to take a minimum wage job the day they get back from honeymoon. Wifey, backed up by all her family and friends would be enraged and, after a much shorter time than many of you married fellas take the plunge with a WG, would be considering divorce as she's being banged over the coffee table by the brain-dead hunk from down the gym.

But, as many have said, divorce, for many reasons, is neither desired or practical in most of these situations. And as I've never been married, there's absolutely every reason to ignore me on this one!

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Hi, I'm new here. I pay for sex once in a long while because although I love my wife she isn't interested, mainly, I think, because she hardly ever needs it herself, and only allows me a little sex to oblige me now and then. It's very poor sex, definitely not love making, always in the dark, and she doesn't take part, really doesn't much like touching me down there and will only do it a very little if I practically beg her to.

Much about sex disgusts and revolts her, such as oral sex, bodily fluids, you name it... so I only get to put it in while she lies there, no passionate kissing, no nothing. She just waits in total silence, eyes shut, lying motionless, while I get on with it, having given me almost no physical stimulation. As an example, she's never once masturbated me in 30 years and never will. It's all so depressing and not what I ever wanted sex wiithin marriage to be.

We tried sex therapy for nearly a year but nothing worked. She never thinks about sex because sex is the last and least important thing in the world to her, I think. it's practically irrelevant to her life and she hates even talking about it with me. I've told her how important it is to me but nothing I say makes any difference.

But in spite of all, I love her, and absolutely hate cheating on her. If she knew she would be devastated. I'd like to be open and transparent but I never want to hurt her so can't ever tell her I'm going to pay for sex. On the rare occasions when I do pay, the guilt and conflict I suffer is dreadful and I hate being in this situation of having to cheat someone I love, or else just do without.

I just wondered if any others here have similar problems, and if they are also racked and tormented by guilt, guilt ,guilt.... and feelings of self-loathing for being a low liar and a cheat. it's not a good place to be in, but I've been in this situation for years and nothing is going to change now.as I'm now in my 70s.

I was in a similar situation to yourself but was only aged about 40. After 2 children and a supportive, 100% loyal husband that gave her an enviable life style including helping setting up her own business she became completely disinterested in sex. No amount of being nice / holidays / surprise gifts, meals out / giving her space / asking or just plain crude pleading for sex altered her views that she just wasn't interested. She even said 'get yourself a girlfiend' at one point but my views on this were that it would cause more problems than it would solve. I'm sure her viewpoint was that I had become surplus to her requirements.

What she didn't seem to understand was that in a relationship why should one persons choice to be celibate be enforced on the other partner and looking back perhaps I should have started punting at that point. Had I done that it may have saved our marriage but as it was the feelings of resentment eventually got the better of both of us and we parted. I'm sure I would have initially felt quite guilty but I am sure if I'd punted regularly the feelings of guilt would have gradually subsided.

.

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Was she like this before you married her?

Have you offered to wear a condom?

If the fluids thing grosses her out, it may help.

My first replies seem to have got lost. We got married quite quickly because she was from a narrow, religious background and a quick wedding forestalled any more opposition. With her being so strict it was impossible for me to know what she was really like, sexually, because I wasn't allowed to do anything before marriage. In any case, I thought I'd be able to broaden her mind after we got married and when she wasn't feeling she was behaving immorally since everything was within marriage. I got that completely wrong!

As for condoms to help solve the 'fluids' problem. It turned out she hated the sight and the feel of them, so nothing worked. She's just a woman who is quite prim and proper by nature and who has never been much into sex in her whole life. The word 'lust' has no meaning for her.

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I think that if you want to continue then you should, just be very careful she doesn't find out and try to enjoy your encounters without thinking about the guilt. I assume she is a similar age to you and very unlikely to change her views on sex so things are unlikely to change.

I'm not saying it's right, but in my experience many men seem to get over the guilt thing by 'blaming' the wife-' if she wasn't so cold I wouldn't have to do this'. kind of thing...

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Many thanks for all your advice. It all seems very sensible and helpful.

My only problems now are the following: 1 - I'm so scared of catching something and infecting my wife, then having to admit what I've been doing. That would be a nightmare! If I stuck to hand relief only, that problem would be solved, but it seems such a pity to never allow yourself penetrative sex.

2 - If I do this fairly regularly, such as about once a fortnight, it boils down to a loss of income of maybe £2000 or more a year -' expenses'. This is a lot unless one is well off :( .

3 - I worry in case a young woman might be quietly disgusted at having sex with a man possibly older than her grandfather but is just putting a brave face on it, just pretending. I hate the thought of being repulsive to a nice young woman.

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