Kodiak

So, Is This It Then?

137 posts in this topic

Been seeing escorts since my last serious relationship ended, about a decade ago in my early thirties. I have had some wonderful experiences with some cracking ladies, and one or two nightmares also.

 

My friends have all paired up and I rarely see them. I now work dreadfully long hours and as I've no-one to go on weekends away or holiday with, find myself spending my disposable income on threesomes every couple of weeks. I can't save for a deposit on a house - I refuse to pay the silly prices and would never have a big enough deposit anyway - and if I had a mortgage I would have nil disposable income. I have no kids.

 

I can recall like yesterday ten years ago and in ten years time I'll be in my fifties. I don't smoke and rarely drink but I have looked at myself recently and thought I looked older. I am unlikely to start a family now and I don't approach women in civvie st. I frequently use porn and think I'm becomming desensitised to sex. I don't think I could perform intimately 'at my best' for Ms Average.

 

Is this it? I can't go on like this until I'm in my sixties! I have nothing and I look forward only to my next booking. I can't be the only guy making this kind of assessment once at a certain age?

 

Can I?

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Interesting post Kodiak

 

My sense of 'is this all there is' was what led me to punting.  Yours seems derived from punting.

 

Just goes to show the grass is always greener and mid life crises can happen to anyone.

 

Can I suggest you drink more? :D

 

Works for me! :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

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Been seeing escorts since my last serious relationship ended, about a decade ago in my early thirties. I have had some wonderful experiences with some cracking ladies, and one or two nightmares also.

 

My friends have all paired up and I rarely see them. I now work dreadfully long hours and as I've no-one to go on weekends away or holiday with, find myself spending my disposable income on threesomes every couple of weeks. I can't save for a deposit on a house - I refuse to pay the silly prices and would never have a big enough deposit anyway - and if I had a mortgage I would have nil disposable income. I have no kids.

 

I can recall like yesterday ten years ago and in ten years time I'll be in my fifties. I don't smoke and rarely drink but I have looked at myself recently and thought I looked older. I am unlikely to start a family now and I don't approach women in civvie st. I frequently use porn and think I'm becomming desensitised to sex. I don't think I could perform intimately 'at my best' for Ms Average.

 

Is this it? I can't go on like this until I'm in my sixties! I have nothing and I look forward only to my next booking. I can't be the only guy making this kind of assessment once at a certain age?

 

Can I?

Look at it this way.....

 

....You are free. You are answerable to nobody but yourself. You can do what you want, when you want. You have some disposable income and you are not weighed down with a mortgage or school fees. You don't smoke or drink much so you are avoiding some of the biggest causes of stress and ill health. You can build on that by getting fitter. Go down the gym, take up yoga......it's not how old you look, it's how young you feel mentally. I'm in my late forties, single and have never been more content.

 

And a threesome every few weeks does not sound bad to me.....

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Have to agree about the gym and taking care of yourself.

If you are not buying a house, salt the money away.

Life is wonderful, live it.

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You guys are missing the point - the OP is an intelligent chap - to be asking this question.

 

My answer - it only has to be it - if you have decided it as such.

 

It's all in your power.

 

Do you want a family - children?  Or - do you want to go to your grave not giving a toss about any other human being on this planet - and them not giving a toss about you?

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The thing about going to the gym, circuit training or other sports is women go there too. Some go for a serious workout and would get miffed if distracted from their workout by guys trying to chat them up, but some go for more of a social event with the side benefits of keeping fit.

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The picture you paint is very bleak and lonely and almost purposeless. Believe it or not, I'm a romantic in spite of my own experiences .

I feel you need love, or at least a warm, affectionate relationship. It could change your life completely! Just think of having a lovely lady who cares about you and looks forward to seeing you, and gives you a lovely smile and a hug and a kiss.

So yes, I think you should go on a dating site or go a singles holiday or something. Some women are wonderful. A woman's love and caring can transform a man's life in a way nothing else in this world can.

So the answer to "Is this it then?"  is:  "No! It need not be!! 

 

"It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death" - Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

Btw. It was his short story "Disillusionment" (1896) that was the source of the idea for the song "Is that all there is?"

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Its never this is it then!, as there is always something else around the corner, and why would you want to just box up all the experiance you have made when visiting escorts, its a part of you and a road we journey on for a part of our life, you never escape it, just learn from it.

 

take a break from it if your not happy with it, and then review the situation, im sure many folk walk away and return when they feel like it.

 

LIfe is never easy or set out in front of us, we choose what we want and follow that path, and many roads point to the joys of life.

 

Take the right one whatever you do, and if you find something better then come back and tell us all about it.

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I'm no counselor - I guess few here are.  But you asked us.  So my view: I think, no, this is not it. 

 

I think much of the advice above can be summed up as -change something, you may get a different result.  Change nothing, you will probably get the same result. 

 

So perhaps try something different.  Work less, or travel more, or go to Bangkok or Haiti to find a wife, or give up sex for 3 months, or join a gym, or join a church, or join Ashley Madison, or hang out in bars, or flirt with girls on the tube, or ask a friend to fix up a blind date, or train for a marathon, or learn to waterski, or whatever.  If it doesn't work, try again.  My list not good? Make a list of 30 things you could do, and 30 things that are really crazy that you could do, and do some of these 60 things.

 

More of the same will give more of the same.

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Is this it? I can't go on like this until I'm in my sixties! I have nothing and I look forward only to my next booking. I can't be the only guy making this kind of assessment once at a certain age?

 

Can I?

 

Well unless you decide to do something different.. Yup! Thats it..

 

I've sometimes reassessed and stopped punting in the hope something will change but nope, your life is exactly the same, just not punting...

 

ive only just reached my 30s but single, work long hours (Im technically still working now! Since 9am!), workout for an 1hr a day, 3 bedroom house with garden, garage, healthy income,  flash car, friends, family.. but still spend friday and saturday nights alone in front of the telly..... :( If Im honest, Ive never been in a serious relationship.

 

Ive done evening classes, internet dating (god help me!), etc. but I quite liked the evening classes (bit of badminton, learn to cook, Its abit easier whipering to the hot blonde beside you "can you help me? I think Ive messed this up... ;) (okay nothing happened in the end... :( ))

 

But Ive realised a few years ago, that It doesnt look likely that Id find someone or there would actually be a change so I just try not to let it depress me. 

 

Just carry on with life, try something different, but just enjoy yourself, never say never, if it happens it happens...but just dont depress youself with the fear of what might not happen...that is depressing...

Edited by Overworked

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This is a very interesting post and I would suggest you do one thing.

Watch a film called 'Shame'.

It's a film starring Michael Fassbender and is one of the most critically acclaimed in recent years. His story seems to mirror yours in many ways. Works long hours, watches a lot of porn, has seemingly few close friends, spends a lot of money on escorts, etc...

Just watch it and see how you feel afterwards. It can be like looking into a mirror for some people and makes some men really want to change the way their lives are heading.

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This is a very interesting post and I would suggest you do one thing.

Watch a film called 'Shame'.

It's a film starring Michael Fassbender and is one of the most critically acclaimed in recent years. His story seems to mirror yours in many ways. Works long hours, watches a lot of porn, has seemingly few close friends, spends a lot of money on escorts, etc...

Just watch it and see how you feel afterwards. It can be like looking into a mirror for some people and makes some men really want to change the way their lives are heading.

 

Seen it. I'm nowhere near as appealing to the ladies as the main man in the film, and neither is my life spiralling out of control. My life is just mundane and utterly futile. Carry on working till I retire to no pension or home, no holidays and the only intimacy is paid for.

 

I've had enough.

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Seen it. I'm nowhere near as appealing to the ladies as the main man in the film, and neither is my life spiralling out of control. My life is just mundane and utterly futile. Carry on working till I retire to no pension or home, no holidays and the only intimacy is paid for.

 

I've had enough.

 

The only intimacy is paid for? Life mudane?

 

Your not alone. :)

Edited by Overworked

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Can I just put in a word for reading books? Go for what you enjoy, not what you feel you ought to be reading. Try some of the classics, like "The Go-Between".

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I've punted for the last 8 years, am considerably older than the OP and was saddened to read his post.   I'd be interested to know why he doesn't "approach women in civvie st.".

 

The gfes I've had have given me more confidence with the "women in civvie st".

Edited by Bald Rick

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Seen it. I'm nowhere near as appealing to the ladies as the main man in the film, and neither is my life spiralling out of control. My life is just mundane and utterly futile. Carry on working till I retire to no pension or home, no holidays and the only intimacy is paid for.

 

I've had enough.

 

Whether your life is out of control or not, you are clearly not happy.  So change it.  The only person that can do that is you.  Either that or carry on being miserable.  I know that's not how I want my life to be that's for sure and I get a feeling you don't want that from your life either. 

 

Do something about it now, life is too short not to be happy

 

x

Edited by MysteriousLady

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I'd be interested to know why the OP doesn't "approach

 

I enjoy female company, meals and so forth, but I've become acustomed to hot ladies out of my league, and I get bored of Ms Average rather swiftly.

 

Appalling, some may think, but honest.

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The others are right about finding stuff to do, getting hobbies and getting out. What about some voluntary work? You will meet new people, have some sense of purpose and maybe realise your lot isn't that bad after all!

 

The grass is always greener, some of your friends saddled with wives, children and huge mortgages probably think you're the lucky one! Have you tried arranging more nights out with them? They might not ask you out because they think you're living this exciting bachelor lifestyle! Friends are really important, try not to let those friendships drift. 

 

What about singles holidays? There are loads of options these days and that might lead to new mates or a romance. 

 

Finally, are you properly depressed or just in a grump today? Maybe you need some counselling or therapy of some sort? Is it worth seeing your GP- It's not healthy to be saying some of the things you've been saying in here. I am actually genuinely worried for you.

 

I will say though, only you have the power to change things and make them happen. I know its hard when you feel all in a rut, but please do try and take on some of the suggestions here.  If nothing comes of it then at least you've tried, doing nothing won't change anything. 

Edited by MinxyLydia

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The others are right about finding stuff to do, getting hobbies and getting out. What about some voluntary work? You will meet new people, have some sense of purpose and maybe realise your lot isn't that bad after all!

 

The grass is always greener, some of your friends saddled with wives, children and huge mortgages probably think you're the lucky one! Have you tried arranging more nights out with them? They might not ask you out because they think you're living this exciting bachelor lifestyle! Friends are really important, try not to let those friendships drift. 

 

What about singles holidays? There are loads of options these days and that might lead to new mates or a romance. 

 

Finally, are you properly depressed or just in a grump today? Maybe you need some counselling or therapy of some sort? Is it worth seeing your GP- It's not healthy to be saying some of the things you've been saying in here. I am actually genuinely worried for you.

 

I will say though, only you have the power to change things and make them happen. I know its hard when you feel all in a rut, but please do try and take on some of the suggestions here.  If nothing comes of it then at least you've tried, doing nothing won't change anything. 

No, my 'friends', all having lived with me when previous relationships ended or were in trouble, know that I spend weekends on my own and are concerned only with their own lives.

 

I have tried counselling, but it's difficult to be completely open about my hobby.

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No, my 'friends', all having lived with me when previous relationships ended or were in trouble, know that I spend weekends on my own and are concerned only with their own lives.

 

I have tried counselling, but it's difficult to be completely open about my hobby.

Well, then you won't get the full benefit of counselling. You do realise counselors will have heard it all before and much worse? Maybe you didn't find the right one you felt comfortable with. 

 

Have any of the suggestions in this thread helped?

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Kodiak,

Dude, you really need to do something about your situation. (I opened an account here because of your post)

It's obvious that you are not happy and that you need something to stimulate your life.

You should try finding something that will spark new interest in your life, I was in a similar situation 7 years ago and decided to try and change my life.

For me what worked was scuba diving. I went to Thailand and booked all the courses I needed to get to the minimum professional scuba diving rating (Divemaster). I spent 3 months learning how to dive and progressing to the professional level.

It changed my life, it took me a wile but I am now now just one step away from the maximum rating I can obtain in scuba diving. I have been teaching for 6 years and absolutely love my job.

You need to find what will work with you, maybe your job is what you like and all you need is to find a hobby.

If you like reading give this book a go: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.

I don't kw if you like trekking but if you think you'd enjoy it then do a search for "the road of saint James" and "camino de Santiago" this is a 850km walk you can do across Spain, it takes 33 days (average) and its set up to be done very cheap, you walk about 25km per day and there are hostels along the way that are either free or cost around €15 per night (even less). It's a great experience, very cheap and works wonders on the soul.

Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it does.

PS: 3somes every couple of weeks.... The dream of 99% of men on the planet!!!

In the words or Dory.... Just keep swimming..... Just keep swimming.

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I'm no counselor - I guess few here are.  But you asked us.  So my view: I think, no, this is not it. 

 

I think much of the advice above can be summed up as -change something, you may get a different result.  Change nothing, you will probably get the same result. 

 

So perhaps try something different.  Work less, or travel more, or go to Bangkok or Haiti to find a wife, or give up sex for 3 months, or join a gym, or join a church, or join Ashley Madison, or hang out in bars, or flirt with girls on the tube, or ask a friend to fix up a blind date, or train for a marathon, or learn to waterski, or whatever.  If it doesn't work, try again.  My list not good? Make a list of 30 things you could do, and 30 things that are really crazy that you could do, and do some of these 60 things.

 

More of the same will give more of the same.

 Pretty much this.Especially the work less and travel.Cut down the hours and get out more.Find a hobby.Theres no point missing your life doing silly hours if its for nothing.Basically learn to enjoy yourself and your life more.

Might want to skip the flirting on the tube part if you live outside the UK as pepper sprays a killer :) Seriously though,you can only get stuck in a rut like this if you allow it

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It is IT. As far as recognising that and seeing your situation for what it is.

 

Now you just need to make some decisions.

 

Punting won't help you, so don't invest in it, or rely on it, and certainly don't trust it.

 

Time for Curly's One! You need to find it, because the answer isn't here.

 

Good luck feller.

 

 

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Kodiak, Dude, you really need to do something about your situation. (I opened an account here because of your post) It's obvious that you are not happy and that you need something to stimulate your life. You should try finding something that will spark new interest in your life, I was in a similar situation 7 years ago and decided to try and change my life. For me what worked was scuba diving. I went to Thailand and booked all the courses I needed to get to the minimum professional scuba diving rating (Divemaster). I spent 3 months learning how to dive and progressing to the professional level. It changed my life, it took me a wile but I am now now just one step away from the maximum rating I can obtain in scuba diving. I have been teaching for 6 years and absolutely love my job. You need to find what will work with you, maybe your job is what you like and all you need is to find a hobby. If you like reading give this book a go: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. I don't kw if you like trekking but if you think you'd enjoy it then do a search for "the road of saint James" and "camino de Santiago" this is a 850km walk you can do across Spain, it takes 33 days (average) and its set up to be done very cheap, you walk about 25km per day and there are hostels along the way that are either free or cost around €15 per night (even less). It's a great experience, very cheap and works wonders on the soul. Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it does. PS: 3somes every couple of weeks.... The dream of 99% of men on the planet!!! In the words or Dory.... Just keep swimming..... Just keep swimming.

 

Hello There!

 

Does my username give any hints? I love scubadiving but don't go too often.  :)

 

I would like to give WGs a go and I have done in the past but none have worked out. I find it is a stressful situation and I get frustrated because I then don't perform. I would get the response "just relax" but that is easier said than done. It is something I want to avoid and we all know people avoid potentially stressful situations.

 

But the do I go the whole way with a WG because of the fear of addiction, but it would certainly help give me some sexual self-confidence. I always consider myself to be a down-to-earth, caring kind of person and I am emotionally grounded.

 

I am thinking of starting my own social enterprise (I have a BSc and an MA).

 

SD

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OP - did you consider going abroad to find a wife? either asian or european?

 

Kodiak, Dude, you really need to do something about your situation. (I opened an account here because of your post) It's obvious that you are not happy and that you need something to stimulate your life. You should try finding something that will spark new interest in your life, I was in a similar situation 7 years ago and decided to try and change my life. For me what worked was scuba diving. I went to Thailand and booked all the courses I needed to get to the minimum professional scuba diving rating (Divemaster). I spent 3 months learning how to dive and progressing to the professional level. It changed my life, it took me a wile but I am now now just one step away from the maximum rating I can obtain in scuba diving. I have been teaching for 6 years and absolutely love my job. You need to find what will work with you, maybe your job is what you like and all you need is to find a hobby. If you like reading give this book a go: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. I don't kw if you like trekking but if you think you'd enjoy it then do a search for "the road of saint James" and "camino de Santiago" this is a 850km walk you can do across Spain, it takes 33 days (average) and its set up to be done very cheap, you walk about 25km per day and there are hostels along the way that are either free or cost around €15 per night (even less). It's a great experience, very cheap and works wonders on the soul. Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it does. PS: 3somes every couple of weeks.... The dream of 99% of men on the planet!!! In the words or Dory.... Just keep swimming..... Just keep swimming.

He wants a long term woman - not the life of a triathlete.

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