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shameless

permission from the wife?

21 posts in this topic

My wife is no longer interested in the physical side of our relationship, it would seem that this is not an uncommon situation amongst the members of this forum.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never make love to my wife again.

My deceit and unfaithfulness, if she were to find out, would cause her pain, this is something that worries me. I do not want to hurt her. So I have been thinking about asking for her permission to visit a sex worker.

The question is, how the hell do I go about asking a question like that? I don't want her to know that I have already crossed the line. Idealy it would be good if she thought it was her idea, not my suggestion.

Anybody else thought along these lines? Suggestions and ideas welcome.

Do any of the blokes on here have their wives approval? How did that come about?

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Try 'Oh dear, I'm devastated that you don't want a physical relationship, dwarlinnk, and of course I understand and respect what you're feeling, but I still suffer from these irritating male genetic drivers. What do you think I shoud do, dear?'

(And when she tells you, point out that it's not physically possible and are there other suggestions....)

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I think if that permission were to be sought and agreed upon it still would not reduce the hurt that is inflicted. Redefining the dynamics of your marriage to lesson your guilty feelings is a selfish act in itself.

This subject has come up a few times with clients whom for one reason or another are unable to have sex at home. The scenario is usually a silent understanding as opposed to a "we need to talk" but as with everything involved in a relationship we are all different in the way we go about things and no outcome is the same. It may help to consider turning the table and give some thought to how you would react and feel.

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Yes Lou, I see what you mean, it might be best to 'let sleeping dogs lie', I haven't decided what to do yet.

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To my utter shock/horror....

I have 3 boys whose wives know of me.

They wanted to talk to me...

OK...?!!!

That was an odd fonecall. I was super nervous too!

Her- 'Can you please de-spunk him, he's getting on my bloody nerves.'

It was just like that. Simple.

Me- 'Erm, ok..any rules? '

Her-'Not really, but he's mines for keeps'

And that's that.

The plan is.. we drive to Paris from London, me, her and him, what a weird story that will be. I'm determined that we, or just me, will sing the whole catalogue of 'Girls Aloud' cos I love them. They are pretty arty quirky themselves (in their 60's tho! ) mr and I have met several times, she knows too, but I didn't, till last time...

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This is not like telling your wife that you need to gamble or drink.

One word of this to the wife and you might well find yourself packing your suitcase - or worse.

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My wife is no longer interested in the physical side of our relationship, it would seem that this is not an uncommon situation amongst the members of this forum.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never make love to my wife again.

My deceit and unfaithfulness, if she were to find out, would cause her pain, this is something that worries me. I do not want to hurt her. So I have been thinking about asking for her permission to visit a sex worker.

The question is, how the hell do I go about asking a question like that? I don't want her to know that I have already crossed the line. Idealy it would be good if she thought it was her idea, not my suggestion.

Anybody else thought along these lines? Suggestions and ideas welcome.

Do any of the blokes on here have their wives approval? How did that come about?

For whose benefit is this? Hers or yours?

If you want to be that open why not ask her why she's lost interest?

There'll be a reason. Perhaps she's not telling you to protect your feelings.

Just as you should avoid telling her about your solution to protect hers.

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If you have the courage to ask her for permision to se WG's, why not have the courage to ask her why she's not interested anymore?

surely discussing the problem will be much better than discussing what you think might be the solution to the problem?

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A lot of this would depend on your wife's attitudes and opinions to the profession in the first place.

If you are married to a wannabe Harriet Harman, or to someone who thinks we're all filthy crack-whores, it's not going to be a good outcome.

But if you're married to someone who is relatively easy-going, live-and-let-live, each to their own, 'fair play to them that's what I say' type - then who knows, she might say 'Yeah, go for it'.

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You obviously want to be with your wife both in a marital sense and in the bedroom so why don't you find you whats going on with her and sort that out first?

Women are so different to men, for a lot of us the having sex bit is not a physical need in the way it is to men. So many things can put us off and as we age our hormones change too often deminishing the sex drive. There is so much that can be done these days to put things right.

Before you go putting your relationship at risk, sit her down and talk to her. Plain and from the heart. Explain that for men sex is a pysical need and that your suffering, not only from the uncomfortableness of having to abstain but also hurting from the rejection (I'm convinced a lot of men come to see us in an effort to feel good about themselves again), and encourage her to go with you to speak to the doctor.

One tip. Shut up and let her talk, you listen and take on board what she is saying. For a lot of women it could be something as silly as looking at her own stretchmarks that are putting her off. Reassure her that you still love and care for her. Whats worrying me about this scenario is, if her sex drive is low because of low self esteem, imagine what its going to do to her knowing that you want to screw someone else.

Talk gently to her love and find out whats wrong with her before you go running off on some selfish mission thats going to hurt her beyond belief.

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My wife is no longer interested in the physical side of our relationship,.......

do you know why she has lost interest in you physically ? is there something you should be doing ?

I think your relationship, if reasonably normal, would not recover from a request for permission to sleep with other ladies. dont ask !!

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I think if that permission were to be sought and agreed upon it still would not reduce the hurt that is inflicted. Redefining the dynamics of your marriage to lesson your guilty feelings is a selfish act in itself.This subject has come up a few times with clients whom for one reason or another are unable to have sex at home. The scenario is usually a silent understanding as opposed to a "we need to talk" but as with everything involved in a relationship we are all different in the way we go about things and no outcome is the same. It may help to consider turning the table and give some thought to how you would react and feel.

lou, yes I agree with you --- for someone so young , you have a very wise head --- well on some things anyway ! :confused: . I think your photos must be way out of date and you are really a mature milf !!

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Why not go to Relate, or something similar, you can then put forward your idea for 'sex therapy' in the context of your needs and the lack of it within your relationship with your wife. Who knows, it may well be that the counsellor will come up with ways of reviving your sexlife with your wife, or if that is not possible they may help you work out a way of you going elsewhere for sex which is acceptable to your wife.

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If you sort of turned it around and asked her why she doesn't like the physical side of the relationship and if it is because of you and ask if other men/women turn her on etc. maybe she wants an affair or similar aswell?

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I punt because

a i dont get it at home

b i like woman that i probably couldnt pull

c affairs can get messy (i know)

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The reasons for the lack of intimacy in my relationship are a matter of record in this thread;

http://www.punternet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13043

I have concluded that the chances of my wife changing her mind on this are somewhere between slim and none.

I think my reasoning for this idea is to assuage my guilt, so yes I am being selfish. Enough said, thanks everyone for responding, the guilt is obviously part of the price I must pay for indulging in this illicit pleasure.

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i just think that sometimes things are more complicated than we think... i have a regular who is the same baoat as you but instead of saying something that might hurt the wife, or the kids he decided to keep quite and accept the situation as it is. The doctor has tried to help too but the woman doesnt like and doesnt want to have sex.... for her sex was pre-monopause and not post-monopause. so what should the man do? join in into the post-monopausal lifestyle.... no we are built differently... as long as you keep it low key and cuddle her at nights, everyone is winner and no one has to get hurt.

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I think my reasoning for this idea is to assuage my guilt, so yes I am being selfish. Enough said, thanks everyone for responding,

the guilt is obviously part of the price I must pay for indulging in this illicit pleasure.

You can view it as a price you pay or see it for what it is and take comfort it is just a reminder of the love you have for your wife.

There are many sexless marriages but many more loveless marriages. Your situation is not unique neither is the way you have gone about solving it.

It may help you to know (not a lot)

If a wife had the choice (which they rarely do)

between you playing away from home with a whore (sorry service provider)

or a lover it is one time we win hands down.

Take comfort in your guilt my friend because when its gone there may just be an emptiness

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You can view it as a price you pay or see it for what it is and take comfort it is just a reminder of the love you have for your wife.

There are many sexless marriages but many more loveless marriages. Your situation is not unique neither is the way you have gone about solving it.

It may help you to know (not a lot)

If a wife had the choice (which they rarely do)

between you playing away from home with a whore (sorry service provider)

or a lover it is one time we win hands down.

Take comfort in your guilt my friend because when its gone there may just be an emptiness

Now my ex said the opposite when she found out about me, she'd have prefered it if I'd had an affair rather than go with a 'whore', (her words). I had taken the view that it was better to go down the paid route rather than get involved with someone by having an affair, (in the end I'd got involved with the 'service provider).

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My deceit and unfaithfulness, if she were to find out, would cause her pain, this is something that worries me. I do not want to hurt her. So I have been thinking about asking for her permission to visit a sex worker.

shameless, there is a real contradictions in this paragraph. True enough, your wife might (would) be caused pain by discovering your "hobby", but don't you think that asking her permission might hurt her just as much ?

Only you of the posters here know how your wife would react. Mine would throw me out for sure :D. My advice is to keep schtum and keep taking precautions. What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

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You can view it as a price you pay or see it for what it is and take comfort it is just a reminder of the love you have for your wife.

There are many sexless marriages but many more loveless marriages. Your situation is not unique neither is the way you have gone about solving it.

It may help you to know (not a lot)

If a wife had the choice (which they rarely do)

between you playing away from home with a whore (sorry service provider)

or a lover it is one time we win hands down.

Take comfort in your guilt my friend because when its gone there may just be an emptiness

Now my ex said the opposite when she found out about me, she'd have prefered it if I'd had an affair rather than go with a 'whore', (her words). I had taken the view that it was better to go down the paid route rather than get involved with someone by having an affair, (in the end I'd got involved with the 'service provider).

Another wise escort friend of mine (as opposed to Lou, who is also a wise escort friend of mine :() gave me the same advice as Lou's above when I was musing over what I would say if I ever had the misfortune to pass an STI onto my wife.

I personally think that like Mike52's ex, that my wife would prefer my "it was a one night stand" story rather than "I saw an escort". I hope never to have to put it to the test :D.

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