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Chloe Kisses

The Craziest Nut Job You Have Met In This Biz

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We have all met at least one. You know, the one who you think "err should I be within 20 feet of this person"

 

The looniest loony I have ever met, and hope to  meet was a client of an establishment I was running. He used to come in muttering to himself under his breath, he had a few bookings over a few months and he was thought to be a bit odd but harmless. He had a very strange thing going on though, once his clothes were off the most unusual egg smell used to just gush forth from him, it stunk, we thought maybe he had a wind problem but the girls never heard him fart..its almost as if it emanated from his skin once the clothes were shed. The worse the smell got, the more he muttered to himself as if they were somehow linked. Still…on a quiet day girls didnt mind seeing him, the ones who didnt want too didnt say hello.

 

One day though he arrived muttering as usual and off into the room he went. The girl was in and out within 5 minutes saying that he had been balling his fists up on the bed while laying there with his eyes closed straining with his whole body going stiff and going purple in the face muttering "fucking prostitutes" over and over again whilst she was about to give him a blow job. She ran…can't blame her. I had to go in and get the  bugger out of the bedroom. Gave him his cash back and said "lets not be visiting again huh" to which he agreed, between mutterings. 

 

Off he went out the front door, round the side and up past the kitchen window up the lane and all the way I could hear him muttering "prostitutes, yes, prostitutes, fucking prostitutes, fuck prostitutes" etc 

 

Thats loony enough, but then he kept coming back..I just put the chain on the door and told him to please go away and not come back..he got the message

 

So..guys, have you been trapped and had to make a quick escape from some crazy maniac escort or girls, ever had to get rid of some guy who redefined the word "strange"?

 

 

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no names please, interesting stories welcome though x

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I was sent on an outcall to a man who answered the door in shorts and a t shirt and hiking boots  in the middle of winter.  It was a sheltered housing complex and he was waiting in the doorway (or I would not have got in otherwise).

 

i followed him to his room which was neat and tidy but the walls were full of those sticking out animal heads mounted on wood, badgers and foxes mostly.  He said 'Right here's the rules - first of all - two things - one I am on anger tablets and two I have a colostomy bag.  Okaaaaay...........

 

When we were 'at it'  he kept hurting me - nipping my skin, and when I squealed he growled at me and kept pulling punches.  It was utterly divine.  At the end, he let me dress and make for the door.  Suddenly he put his arm out and said what will you do if I don't let you out then?  At this point I was ready to blow.  I said to him that I had a man waiting outside and if I didn't appear he would come looking for me.  He opened the door like a lamb and let me go.

 

When I got outside, I drove away and then some way down the road I stopped the car and screamed and screamed and screamed.

 

Then I went home.  Lovely evening.

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OMG!! ^^^^^

 

We had an old guy who arrived at MKE once, his trousers kept falling down on the way up the stairs so I ended up holding them up from the back as he toddled upwards. At the end of the booking the girls came down who he had just seen and said that he had just gone to the loo but had a colostomy bag and had managed to squirt shit all over the toilet and the floor. Guess who got that job  :wacko: oh the glamour 

Edited by Chloe Kisses

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one of my nice older regulars asked if I would see a good friend of is as is wife had past away a year ago

and he had told him the one thing he was missing was some female company

so as a favour I said I would see him the next day in the afternoon

so there I am all dressed up in high heels black stockings posh knickers short skirt see through  top and no bra

he knocks on the door and I opened it to find this guy that was very old wearing a old tweed suit with white pumps on with   two asda shopping bags

in is hand well I thought im doing this as a favour and I felt a bit sorry for him so in he comes and I showed him in to the front room and

I asked him if he would like a drink he said  tea please 2 cups of tea later we are still sitting there talking about is wife

im sitting in front of him showing everything iv got when he looks at is watch and said can he have the tv on as he never misses

a quiz show that he cant remember the name of so after looking though 70 odd chanals no luck said he must have the wrong day

and could he have another cup of tea please

and gets two cakes out of is asda bags said is wife loved them when she took afternoon tea

so I thought right make is tea get me knickers off and sit by him

after what seemed hours he  looked down and said my dear you seem to have forgot to put  your pants on

my wife would never have forgot hers why she was eating her cake

it been lovely chatting to you but I must get off now

and off he went walking down the road in is white pumps

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one of my nice older regulars asked if I would see a good friend of is as is wife had past away a year ago

and he had told him the one thing he was missing was some female company

so as a favour I said I would see him the next day in the afternoon

so there I am all dressed up in high heels black stockings posh knickers short skirt see through  top and no bra

he knocks on the door and I opened it to find this guy that was very old wearing a old tweed suit with white pumps on with   two asda shopping bags

in is hand well I thought im doing this as a favour and I felt a bit sorry for him so in he comes and I showed him in to the front room and

I asked him if he would like a drink he said  tea please 2 cups of tea later we are still sitting there talking about is wife

im sitting in front of him showing everything iv got when he looks at is watch and said can he have the tv on as he never misses

a quiz show that he cant remember the name of so after looking though 70 odd chanals no luck said he must have the wrong day

and could he have another cup of tea please

and gets two cakes out of is asda bags said is wife loved them when she took afternoon tea

so I thought right make is tea get me knickers off and sit by him

after what seemed hours he  looked down and said my dear you seem to have forgot to put  your pants on

my wife would never have forgot hers why she was eating her cake

it been lovely chatting to you but I must get off now

and off he went walking down the road in is white pumps

 

 

 

I'm sure he enjoyed your company and walked down the road with a spring in his step. Sometimes people just want others to listen for a while. 

Edited by Remus
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lets think of positive nice stories too though hey? some guys that book girls are just nymphs and I hear that they don't even wanna get undressed they just want to eat! now that must be a good job for a girl hey?  have any of you girls had clients like this? I hope so!      kate lll x

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im sure he did remus

the guy that had sent him to me said that by time  he had got there he had probably forgotten what he was coming for

well I give him lots of hints

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im sure he did remus

the guy that had sent him to me said that by time  he had got there he had probably forgotten what he was coming for

well I give him lots of hints

I do hope he didn't forget to pay you for your time.

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The girls round shepherds market used to talk about a guy that would ask to have all the used condoms out of the bin emptied over him... he would also sneak around at closing time and nick the bags out of the bins...

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I've been lucky and have never met a "nut job" whilst punting.

I did however see a girl in Carlisle a couple of years back who offered me a baby oil massage.

She had taken the baby oil out of the bottle and had it in one of those soap dispensers that you get in the kitchen (push down on the top and the soap comes out the spout)

I simply commented that it was a novel idea

"Novel?" she replied "its bloody essential after what happened!"

So I asked her what happened............

 

She had had a client who had been an arsehole and she had asked him to leave.

He refused so she left him laying on the bed and went to the other room to get her phone to call a friend.

When she returned he had picked up the baby oil bottle and sprayed it up the walls and all over the ceiling

(This explained why the room looked to me as if it had recently been re-decorated)

Hence why she began using the soap dispenser to house the oil.

 

 

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