remorseful

My Story

47 posts in this topic

All,

 

This is an open letter to all men who are married or in a relationship that are either considering or actively use prostitutes.
 
I am not aiming to preach or condemn but just tell my story with the hope that it can be of value to others and help avoid the damage and pain that my use of prostitutes has brought to me and my family.
 
I am 45 but first used prostitutes just after I turned 31. At the time I was pursuing professional qualifications and had not had a normal relationship for a couple of years. One day after much consideration I phoned an advert from the local paper and saw a girl. It was mechanical and souless but fulfilled a basic want. I saw a few girls after that and then decided that I would put more effort into my social life.
 
After a couple of short relationships I met a really nice girl. She was 27, gorgeous and a really kind, loving person. She had a five year old son who I got on very well with. We had a great lovelife and after three years we decided to move in together. I found the transistion hard which was partly due to my new responsibilities and partly because the house we had bought had lots of problems. I stupidly had a one night stand with someone that I met whilst working and contracted an STD.
 
My girlfriend found details of the hospital that I visited and confronted me with them. After much stupid denial on my part I finally confessed which was devastating to my girlfriend. After much soulsearching she decided to forgive me but the damage had been done to our relationship. The intimate side never really recovered and I did not make the effort to try and resolve it through discussion or counselling. 
 
We did have some good times - our daughter was born eight years ago - but there were tough times as well including the death of my mother from cancer and a serious life threatening illness for me.
 
We were having sex during this period but only about once a month and it was not the same as before my infidelity. I thought my girlfriend was not interested and only doing it to keep me happy and foolishly my thoughts went back to my activities before meeting my girlfriend.
 
Two years ago after much time looking on the Internet and forums like this one I decided to see an escort. The meeting happened and I saw a further five girls over the next couple of years.
 
I justified it to myself in lots of ways thinking that I could keep it separate from the rest of my life and that it would not hurt anyone. Looking at web sites for escorts became a compulsion and I found it impossible to stop even though my girlfriend (who is now my wife after we married last year) voiced her suspicions about me having a double life. She even threw me out of the house for a week after catching me viewing what she thought was a porn site but was an escort site.
 
After the initial indiscretion and the one where she threw me out I begged for another chance and promised that I would be faithful.
 
Two months ago she checked my phone and I had left the browser on an escort website. After she confronted me I confessed and our worlds fell apart.
 
Despite my apologies and pleading she has decided that she will never trust me and that we are going to split up and this has devastated me. The fallout has been horrendous with the pain of telling our daughter we would be separating the worst thing I have ever had to witness. My stepson is also traumatized at a time when he should be focusing on his A-levels and our wider families are all shocked and struggling to cope with what has happened.
 
I now face losing my family, my home and having to rebuild my life at the age of 45. I have trouble facing up to the chaos I have unleashed and dread the day my daughter finds out the reason why her parents split up.
 
The ironic thing is that when I talked to my wife  she told me she had been just as frustrated with our sex life as I was but had found it difficult to talk to me about it. I realize now that I love her deeply and feel shame and disgust that I have hurt her so badly.
 
My wife is still very attractive and some simple thought and communication on my part could have resolved our issues. Instead I chose to look outside my relationship for thrills and gratification and as a result have lost everything most dear to me.
 
Thank you to those who have read this far. I hope that my story may make you give serious thought to what you have to lose by taking the same path that I chose.
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not to sound bad for you but I think most who use escorts are smarts guys & are fully aware the fall out.

Out of interest did u not play out this scenario? FYI how was the sex with the escorts u saw?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It does take two to tango and having been to relate myself the counsellor doesn't suggest I am 100% to blame!!  Communication is important and I have had a similar problem to yourself!!  If you want to personal message me about this and I can tell you my story if you want to offcourse!!  If you have different sex drives it can be difficult!  Its not easy!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not to sound bad for you but I think most who use escorts are smarts guys & are fully aware the fall out.

Out of interest did u not play out this scenario? FYI how was the sex with the escorts u saw?

 

I am not sure all of us who see escorts are smart guys!  The smart guys are the ones that have a partner that they love to bits and have amazing sex.  I am not a smart guy because I have cheated and pay lots of money to escorts for sex!  Enjoyable sometimes but by no means smart I'm afraid! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not to sound bad for you but I think most who use escorts are smarts guys & are fully aware the fall out.

Out of interest did u not play out this scenario? FYI how was the sex with the escorts u saw?

I'm sorry, but I think this is an insensitive post. The OP is clearly devastated and at the end of his tether. I don't think it helps him, or adds to the thread, by asking him questions like, 'How was the sex with the escorts you saw?'. He probably needs a little TLC and sympathy, and, if we can't give him that, I think we should leave him alone to make the best he can out of what is a disastrous situation for him..

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

remorseful - thanks for the post.  It rings a lot of bells for me: believing your own wife isn't interested in sex, the infrequent sex at home, the soulessness of escort sex, too much time spent on forums and websites about escorts.  Luckily I've never contracted an STD and more luckily my wife came close but never actually discovered this side of me.  I'm still married but no longer seeing escorts.  Nothing against them or the guys who still do see them.  I've just come to the conclusion I have too much to lose. Your tale may not be what many people here will want to read but it's reminded me that, for me, it's time to give this hobby away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, I know, but you don't really explain why you started seeing escorts again, after your wife had initially forgiven you? And you don't seem to have been very careful with your phone etc.?

 

I'm just wondering if subconsciously you wanted not to be caught per se, but perhaps to trigger some sort of discussion about the state of your relationship. Was there some fundamental unhappiness within it, or was it more external factors like the death of your mother or your own illness? Sometimes that sort of life event can make people more selfish, or reckless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If your wife was frustrated with sex as well as you then perhaps you just need to spice up your sex life and see a counsellor.  Isn't sex a human need so if you felt that you were not sexually in tune with your wife isn't it quite probable you would seek other sources unless you could of communicated.

 

Wouldn't your wife feel perhaps it was sex that's the issue and not the relationship and you can rekindle what you have.  You could go away together, buy her some lingerie, wine and dine!  I'm saying this but I am not doing it and my partner knows I have seen escorts but perhaps I don't love my wife in that way.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks to everyone that replied especially Cumonce who offered to share his story with me. 

 

I guess sharing my story was in some way therapy - if it makes a difference to one person then it will have been worthwhile.

 

I do not think there is any chance of a reconciliation and I definitely did not want to get caught. I did feel guilty about my activities and this came out in my behaviour in aspects of my life. 

 

Thanks for listening.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No problem at all but you shouldn't beat yourself up over it!  I have over the years and its just I have a higher sex drive than my partner.  If we were more out in the open about what our desires are perhaps me, you and others wouldn't be in the position we are in.  May be that's down to us being British and its something we don't talk about!   Remorseful  I wish you good luck and happiness for the future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Remorseful.

 

So sorry to hear your story. I hope it helps other people going through similar things in their relationships, and i think it could be quite cathartic for you to share it with others who are on the scene.

 

Speaking from personal experience, and i'm sure we all know - punting is a very addictive thing and hard to stay away from - the act itself is sometimes the release, but the actively looking is the exciting part. Almost seeking the danger is the drug.

 

I've seen WG's, luckily in between partners and apart from one relationship, i've not had many long term. This I found, because I like my own space and I don't want kids. These two main things that have kept me out of 'marriage', plus I enjoy sex a lot with different women - With one lover, over time the lust does die out in a long term relationship ,no matter how beautiful your girlfriend or wife is.....and sex is carnal/physical is a different sort of love to marital love which is a love of the mind. You can love your Wife/GF but one can still find other women incredibly sexy. Men i believe are not monogamous creatures. It takes an extremely strong man with a will of iron stay faithful and not stray at least once.

 

Hope in time you manage to get sorted.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think many of us are living on a knife edge - I had a close call a few years back - but survived it and saw a glimpse of the devastation.

 

Caught out the way you were - particularly trip to STD clinic - I would not have survived that though you did for a while till you were caught again. I suppose after that she never would trust you again and you would make her go cold inside. I forgive you is just words. It doesnt mean I feel the same about you I did before.

 

What can i say - this is a risk most of us take - and try not to get caught. There was a post a year back entitled "everything is broken" - that sums it up really.

 

It's a great post though and a valid warning which I will heed

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sorry for you, but MUCH more for your wife and kids. At the age of 45 you should have known that your actions have consequences, not just on you, but on the other people in your life. You knew what you had to lose, you knew what the stakes were, you knew people could get hurt. It reads like you only care about what has happened to 'you', and what 'you' have lost. The fact is, yes you probably will have to start rebuilding your life, but what about your wife and kids and how they, through no actions fo their own, have to rebuild theirs. Your post makes you appear a bit self-serving.

I'm not judging you, but unfortunately I have limited sympathy for you. It sounds like you have had several warnings and chances along the way, yet none of these have made you change or think about what you were doing to the people you love. It's not a case of you just being unlucky, but a case of you pushing your luck until it runs out.

Right from the outset you had a one night stand and have over the years slept with several working girls. You can't be trusted. Fact. So why are you devastated your wife doesn't trust you, when you have put her in a position where there's no way she could trust you.

For guys with families, the stakes are very high, for you AND your family. Always assume you will get caught, and then make the decision to punt.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If your wife was frustrated with sex as well as you then perhaps you just need to spice up your sex life and see a counsellor.  Isn't sex a human need so if you felt that you were not sexually in tune with your wife isn't it quite probable you would seek other sources unless you could of communicated.

 

Wouldn't your wife feel perhaps it was sex that's the issue and not the relationship and you can rekindle what you have.  You could go away together, buy her some lingerie, wine and dine!  I'm saying this but I am not doing it and my partner knows I have seen escorts but perhaps I don't love my wife in that way.  

He does not say that his trip to a pro after he moved in with her was due to lack of her sex drive - he just said the transition was difficult

 

after he was caught his sex life went downhill - but her lack of interest is understandable

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sorry for you, but MUCH more for your wife and kids. At the age of 45 you should have known that your actions have consequences, not just on you, but on the other people in your life. You knew what you had to lose, you knew what the stakes were, you knew people could get hurt. It reads like you only care about what has happened to 'you', and what 'you' have lost. The fact is, yes you probably will have to start rebuilding your life, but what about your wife and kids and how they, through no actions fo their own, have to rebuild theirs. Your post makes you appear a bit self-serving.

I'm not judging you, but unfortunately I have limited sympathy for you. It sounds like you have had several warnings and chances along the way, yet none of these have made you change or think about what you were doing to the people you love. It's not a case of you just being unlucky, but a case of you pushing your luck until it runs out.

Right from the outset you had a one night stand and have over the years slept with several working girls. You can't be trusted. Fact. So why are you devastated your wife doesn't trust you, when you have put her in a position where there's no way she could trust you.

For guys with families, the stakes are very high, for you AND your family. Always assume you will get caught, and then make the decision to punt.

ok ok - go easy - he knows all that NOW

 

no punter assumes he will get caught - we all assume the opposite

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The part I find strange is that the sex with the escorts was mechanical and soul-less. the only time I have encountered that was in Poland. And yet others empathised with it as well. Double strange.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok ok - go easy - he knows all that NOW

 

no punter assumes he will get caught - we all assume the opposite

 

Do we? I've always thought I've been rather lucky not getting caught.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do we? I've always thought I've been rather lucky not getting caught.

Me too.

Very sobering story, sorry to hear this has happened Remorseful. However unlikely it seems at present I hope things work out in the end. It's something that could happen to any one of us who have something to lose.

I too am a little surprised about the mechanical and soulless comments as my experiences have been anything but.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Long time lurker here, not really posted much but felt compelled to post. Nothing really useful to add, just some practical advice. What's done is done, you must start to forgive yourself, even a little.

Have you considered getting some professional support in the form of a counselor or therapist?

Best of luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to inject a degree of scepticism into this debate, and I know many of you won’t like this, but for me there is so much Dickensian pathos and drama heaped on us in this story, that it leaves me a bit bemused.

 

What do we have?:

 

A mechanical and soulless prostitute.

A gorgeous girl with a five year old son.

A one-night stand leading to an STD.

Confession and forgiveness.

A dying mother.

A life-threatening illness.

A return to evil ways (with accusations of watching porn for good measure!)

Begging for another chance.

The final denouement – losing home and family and unleashing chaos on all and sundry.

Then the message – repent your evil ways and choose the path of righteousness.

 

And a first-time post to boot!

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to inject a degree of scepticism into this debate, and I know many of you won’t like this, but for me there is so much Dickensian pathos and drama heaped on us in this story, that it leaves me a bit bemused.

 

What do we have?:

 

A mechanical and soulless prostitute.

A gorgeous girl with a five year old son.

A one-night stand leading to an STD.

Confession and forgiveness.

A dying mother.

A life-threatening illness.

A return to evil ways (with accusations of watching porn for good measure!)

Begging for another chance.

The final denouement – losing home and family and unleashing chaos on all and sundry.

Then the message – repent your evil ways and choose the path of righteousness.

 

And a first-time post to boot!

The thought had crossed my mind - one thing that I sometimes find odd about these kind of posts is someone who says they've been a punter for a long time suddenly starts posting on a forum with a story like this when they have never bothered previously.

That said I've no idea if the op is genuine or not so would always prepared to give the benefit of the doubt. Whether his story is genuine or not, what he says has happened with regards getting caught is more than feasible. If it serves no purpose other than to remind people to be more aware and take greater care not to be discovered then there's an argument that posts such as this are worth something whether they are real or a fabrication, IMO.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its almost like a script from that heartwarming and uplifting show, Eastenders.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, but I think this is an insensitive post. The OP is clearly devastated and at the end of his tether. I don't think it helps him, or adds to the thread, by asking him questions like, 'How was the sex with the escorts you saw?'. He probably needs a little TLC and sympathy, and, if we can't give him that, I think we should leave him alone to make the best he can out of what is a disastrous situation for him..

I agree entirely with you, georgem.  One thing I like about this particular forum is that the members usually show respect, support and kindness to one another.  That doesn't mean we can't have a bit of fun and banter but let's recognise when it's appropriate. 

 

As a married punter myself I can relate to much of what the OP has gone through.  My 'story', however, would be very different though.  The trouble is I can't always be bothered writing long pieces.  I'm feeling like that now but anyone can glean a lot about my marital issues by piecing together my various posts.  I may come back to this thread and say something more meaningful.

 

In the meantime, remorseful, I and many others admire your courage and honesty in opening up like this. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

All,

 

This is an open letter to all men who are married or in a relationship that are either considering or actively use prostitutes.
 
I am not aiming to preach or condemn but just tell my story with the hope that it can be of value to others and help avoid the damage and pain that my use of prostitutes has brought to me and my family.
 
I am 45 but first used prostitutes just after I turned 31. At the time I was pursuing professional qualifications and had not had a normal relationship for a couple of years. One day after much consideration I phoned an advert from the local paper and saw a girl. It was mechanical and souless but fulfilled a basic want. I saw a few girls after that and then decided that I would put more effort into my social life.
 
After a couple of short relationships I met a really nice girl. She was 27, gorgeous and a really kind, loving person. She had a five year old son who I got on very well with. We had a great lovelife and after three years we decided to move in together. I found the transistion hard which was partly due to my new responsibilities and partly because the house we had bought had lots of problems. I stupidly had a one night stand with someone that I met whilst working and contracted an STD.
 
My girlfriend found details of the hospital that I visited and confronted me with them. After much stupid denial on my part I finally confessed which was devastating to my girlfriend. After much soulsearching she decided to forgive me but the damage had been done to our relationship. The intimate side never really recovered and I did not make the effort to try and resolve it through discussion or counselling. 
 
We did have some good times - our daughter was born eight years ago - but there were tough times as well including the death of my mother from cancer and a serious life threatening illness for me.
 
We were having sex during this period but only about once a month and it was not the same as before my infidelity. I thought my girlfriend was not interested and only doing it to keep me happy and foolishly my thoughts went back to my activities before meeting my girlfriend.
 
Two years ago after much time looking on the Internet and forums like this one I decided to see an escort. The meeting happened and I saw a further five girls over the next couple of years.
 
I justified it to myself in lots of ways thinking that I could keep it separate from the rest of my life and that it would not hurt anyone. Looking at web sites for escorts became a compulsion and I found it impossible to stop even though my girlfriend (who is now my wife after we married last year) voiced her suspicions about me having a double life. She even threw me out of the house for a week after catching me viewing what she thought was a porn site but was an escort site.
 
After the initial indiscretion and the one where she threw me out I begged for another chance and promised that I would be faithful.
 
Two months ago she checked my phone and I had left the browser on an escort website. After she confronted me I confessed and our worlds fell apart.
 
Despite my apologies and pleading she has decided that she will never trust me and that we are going to split up and this has devastated me. The fallout has been horrendous with the pain of telling our daughter we would be separating the worst thing I have ever had to witness. My stepson is also traumatized at a time when he should be focusing on his A-levels and our wider families are all shocked and struggling to cope with what has happened.
 
I now face losing my family, my home and having to rebuild my life at the age of 45. I have trouble facing up to the chaos I have unleashed and dread the day my daughter finds out the reason why her parents split up.
 
The ironic thing is that when I talked to my wife  she told me she had been just as frustrated with our sex life as I was but had found it difficult to talk to me about it. I realize now that I love her deeply and feel shame and disgust that I have hurt her so badly.
 
My wife is still very attractive and some simple thought and communication on my part could have resolved our issues. Instead I chose to look outside my relationship for thrills and gratification and as a result have lost everything most dear to me.
 
Thank you to those who have read this far. I hope that my story may make you give serious thought to what you have to lose by taking the same path that I chose.

 

 

Whilst reading this, several thoughts crossed my mind:

 

1.  Our status quo changes several times during our lives, lots of guys will move from having girlfriends or using escorts to being in a stable relationship - you chose to misbehave even though you were caught twice

2.  Even though you were caught the first time you did not give up: will you change in the future?  

 

Most surely this is not for you as you seem to have a partner:

 

a.  who checks on you: lots of guys become 'cranky' if their partner checks on them and they have girlfriends all their lives whether the wife cares or not.  I was in that situation: my ex was lying though his teeth and only because I am so logic, with an elephant memory and like keeping track of things I was able to put one plus one years later.  It took me years to get over the abuse (psychological and even physical) and even until now I get anxiety attacks when he tries to reach me, close to a decade later.....  Unfortunately he is not the only one, I seem to attract men who like harassing, although they are being perceived as very successful, confident men.

b.  you seem to be a nice guy who is not 'built' for messing around with lots of women........ So I sincerely wish you all the best with your new start..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to inject a degree of scepticism into this debate, and I know many of you won’t like this, but for me there is so much Dickensian pathos and drama heaped on us in this story, that it leaves me a bit bemused.

 

What do we have?:

 

A mechanical and soulless prostitute.

A gorgeous girl with a five year old son.

A one-night stand leading to an STD.

Confession and forgiveness.

A dying mother.

A life-threatening illness.

A return to evil ways (with accusations of watching porn for good measure!)

Begging for another chance.

The final denouement – losing home and family and unleashing chaos on all and sundry.

Then the message – repent your evil ways and choose the path of righteousness.

 

And a first-time post to boot!

 

Getting an STI from a casual encounter is I think more likely than with a WG, so that aspect had a ring of truth for me.

 

As for the soulless experiences, they do happen, but I would have given up pretty quickly if all my experiences had been like that.  Mercifully rare, but I can recall one or two shockers :o:(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now