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The Happy Punter

Dirty One-Liners

16 posts in this topic

In that fine one line joke tradition of Tim Vine, Stewart Francis.....I confess to having a  never ending search and enjoyment of  puerile, saucy, rubbish, yet [to me] hilarious one liners!

What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

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What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and stuffed in tarts?  Rhubarb.

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what do women and tornadoes have in common.... theyre wet and windy when they come and take half your house when they leave 

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Gay cowboy conversation: "Y'up?".."Yup!"

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Who put the "cunt" in Scunthorpe ?

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2 hours ago, LIMPDICK said:

Who put the "cunt" in Scunthorpe ?

and the penis in Penistone

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She was only a farmers daughter, but a lot of men knew her.

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Him: My Olympic Coloured Condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight

Her: Why not wear Silver and come second for a change!

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What do you get at a sailors orgy? A load of seamen on the floor.

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Why do Policemen have big balls? They sell lots of tickets.

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why do firemen wear red braces?

keep their trousers up

 

what do policemen have in their sandwiches?

truncheon meat.

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She was only a gravediggers daughter, but she'd lie under any old sod.

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Sign seen outside meeting of home affairs select committee yesterday:

 

Prostitution - the work of the Home Secretary

 

They were two signs in fact rather than a suggestion that the Right Hon Teresa May had been moonlighting

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Not exactly a one liner but:

she was only the miller's daughter
sitting by the mill
there were otters in the millstream
but she was 'otter still
boom boom

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Q:- Why is having sex like having a bank account?

A:- Once you withdraw, you lose interest

 

Q:- What does a virgin and a balloon have in common?

A:- One prick, and it's gone.

 

Q:- What sex position produces the ugliest babies?

A:- Ask your parents

 

Q- What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?

A:- Wiped his arse, of course

 

Q:- What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A:- One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak

 

 

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virginity. a bubble in the sea of life that disappears with the first prick.

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