Ebonypru

Permission To See Other Women ... I'm Confused

26 posts in this topic

Okay, so a member of the Loose Women panel was authentic enough to admit to being off sex.  She described the strategies she employs as soon as she hears hubby's keys in the door to make it clear to him that sex isn't happening that night (nor for any night in the last 7 years).

She said she once told him that if he needs sex, to go to other women.  Gasps from the audience, of course!  But to me, there's a lady who loves and understands her man and isn't about to put undue pressure on him.

I have always said I'd do the same, except, in my case, knowing what I do about punting, I'd rather he did it with a sex worker, rather than with someone he could develop a proper relationship with.   I wouldn't necessary want the details.  But I'd like to believe I have some compassion for how men can be driven differently by sexual desire, and even worse, sexual deprivation.

So to me, that was like, smart woman.  Considerate woman.

Her husband was on the show today and said, that to him, this is not an option.  Now, I would expect him to say that out loud.  To save his wife's feelings, make all the right noises about being only interested in her.  He was a decent bloke.

But what left me gob-smacked was the other Loose Woman, Sheri   who said she'd had the same problem when she was married, had told her husband, go out and find yourself someone.  And he did.  And she said that with such condemnation of the guy.  But why tell him that he could, if you did not mean it.   Then make him sound like the world's worst serial criminal?

I do not expect a red blooded male to go without sex for 7 weeks, let alone 7 years!!!!  I'd be the one searching the purple site on his behalf.  

What confused me about this was the hypocrisy of a woman that says to a man look, go and find someone else to do it with ... then plays the role of victim when he does.

I know some men are selfish shits, and expect their partner to run the house, tend to the demanding kids, bring in an income as a bonus, and still be up for sexual acrobatics at the drop of a hat ... because he's confusing her with his mother.  I have no compassion for those kind of men.  I wouldn't go through the motions of pretending to want sex for someone like that.

I know there are a few guys here in that position ... a wife that's gone off sex and after years of hoping it would change, you've come on here.  Did you have "that discussion"?  Her saying, go ahead and sort yourself out.

 

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On 20 May 2016 at 2:48 PM, Ebonypru said:

  Did you have "that discussion"?  Her saying, go ahead and sort yourself out.

 

Yes. All my attempts to have a heart to heart discussion resulted in arguments.  I was made to feel like some kind of pervert for actually wanting to make love to my wife!  She once said: "I don't mind if you go somewhere, but I don't want to know about it."

 

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and what do you think would happen if he said - I took your advice and have just spent the best £150 of my life

 

women dont always mean what they say - life has taught me that

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34 minutes ago, lancelot said:

and what do you think would happen if he said - I took your advice and have just spent the best £150 of my life

 

women dont always mean what they say - life has taught me that

Like I said in my post, I don't want to be told about it.  Don't come home and tell me what you got up to.   So going home and saying to the Mrs, I just spent the best £150 of your life ... it might be he last £150 you get to spend for that purpose!

All the lady's doing is turning a blind eye, so you don't have to have that discussion.  

Men seldom mean what they say in my experience!  And I don't just mean punters!

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On 20/05/2016 at 2:48 PM, Ebonypru said:

Her husband was on the show today and said, that to him, this is not an option.  Now, I would expect him to say that out loud.  To save his wife's feelings, make all the right noises about being only interested in her.  He was a decent bloke.
 

 

Well now that he's out there with his opinion lets hope the 'decent bloke' that he isn't doesn't become a headline in redtop ' I've bedded sex starved *****'   :)

 

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I would be the same too, if a partner of mine wasn't getting the sex he wanted from me I'd rather he paid than became resentful towards me or had an emotional affair with someone else. 

As for the details, it would depend on the reasons I wasn't giving him what he wanted. If it was an act I don't do or don't do well then I'd definitely encourage him and want to know how it went! 

If it was because I couldn't because of medical or emotional reasons I think I'd rather not know. 

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Relationships  are complex, love  romance, friendship, shared history, companionship, physical attraction.

Even if one partner can no longer satisfy the physical side of a relationship, they would have to feel very secure, before they said "ok, happy to turn a blind eye to you shagging other women / men because I know you love me".

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7 hours ago, EnjoyEmily said:

Well now that he's out there with his opinion lets hope the 'decent bloke' that he isn't doesn't become a headline in redtop ' I've bedded sex starved *****'   :)

 

Know whot I mean, 'Arry?  :blink:

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OK OP - but your are in the business - so you're not exactly objective are you. It is in your interests for women to give the green light to men to pay for sex.

But as far as I can see - this is exceptionally rare and I doubt whether any but a tiny % of women - even those who are off sex - would be prepared to accept it with an open heart and without any resentment. Maybe a high percentage of sex workers would accept it - but sex workers are used to having sex without the motive of pleasure - so I cant see a sex worker ever saying no to their partner - hey they could always ask for money - I am sure they would rather have the cash in the pockets than see it go to a competitor.

As for him simply wanting it with different women as he cant get he wants from you - time to find a new partner.

 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, lancelot said:

OK OP - but your are in the business - so you're not exactly objective are you. It is in your interests for women to give the green light to men to pay for sex.

But as far as I can see - this is exceptionally rare and I doubt whether any but a tiny % of women - even those who are off sex - would be prepared to accept it with an open heart and without any resentment. Maybe a high percentage of sex workers would accept it - but sex workers are used to having sex without the motive of pleasure - so I cant see a sex worker ever saying no to their partner - hey they could always ask for money - I am sure they would rather have the cash in the pockets than see it go to a competitor.

As for him simply wanting it with different women as he cant get he wants from you - time to find a new partner.

 

 

 

 

A sex worker is just an ordinary woman you know, I know plenty who have monogamous relationships outside of their work. Many sex workers don't see sex with clients as sex but just work and who have faithful partners. The argument that sex workers should be OK with their partners shagging someone else is unfair, that's not how it is. Many sex workers in relationships would feel betrayed just as a lot of civvy women would and any man that used her work as an excuse to be unfaithful is a dick she is better off without. 

  I also know swingers who whilst they are happy for their partner to play elsewhere would not want them to pay for it, we all have different things that work for us. Actually, the swinging scene is fairly large and also I think plenty of women who don't want to have sex with their partner don't really care if he's getting it elsewhere- as long as he isn't pestering her!

Also, it's a huge insult for a sex worker to be offered money for sex by a partner, in the same way I'm sure you wouldn't offer your wife money to have sex with you!

Incidentally, are you getting a new partner if you have to see escorts?

 

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5 hours ago, MinxyLydia said:

A sex worker is just an ordinary woman you know, I know plenty who have monogamous relationships outside of their work. Many sex workers don't see sex with clients as sex but just work and who have faithful partners. The argument that sex workers should be OK with their partners shagging someone else is unfair, that's not how it is. Many sex workers in relationships would feel betrayed just as a lot of civvy women would and any man that used her work as an excuse to be unfaithful is a dick she is better off without. 

  I also know swingers who whilst they are happy for their partner to play elsewhere would not want them to pay for it, we all have different things that work for us. Actually, the swinging scene is fairly large and also I think plenty of women who don't want to have sex with their partner don't really care if he's getting it elsewhere- as long as he isn't pestering her!

Also, it's a huge insult for a sex worker to be offered money for sex by a partner, in the same way I'm sure you wouldn't offer your wife money to have sex with you!

Incidentally, are you getting a new partner if you have to see escorts?

 

Yes but you backed up my point by saying that you would be prepared for your partner to pay if he wasnt geting what he wanted from you.

The OP - a sex worker - seems to share that position (no pun intended)

 

so my assumption looks quite reasonable - not that all sex workers would have this view - but more than in the case of non sex workers.

I think civvie women would view unfaithfulness with a sex worker pretty much the same way as with a non sex worker - maybe with some added disgust - from what I have seen in various mums forums where women say their husbands paid for sex with a sex worker

 

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10 hours ago, lancelot said:

OK OP - but your are in the business - so you're not exactly objective are you. It is in your interests for women to give the green light to men to pay for sex.

But as far as I can see - this is exceptionally rare and I doubt whether any but a tiny % of women - even those who are off sex - would be prepared to accept it with an open heart and without any resentment. Maybe a high percentage of sex workers would accept it - but sex workers are used to having sex without the motive of pleasure - so I cant see a sex worker ever saying no to their partner - hey they could always ask for money - I am sure they would rather have the cash in the pockets than see it go to a competitor.

As for him simply wanting it with different women as he cant get he wants from you - time to find a new partner.

This post isn't about me wanting or needing wives or girlfriends to give their partners permission.   If my business depended on permission, we'd all be bankrupt.  Men have and will continue to do it with or without permission.

Before I became an escort, I'd have never understood enough about life's grey areas to be that understanding (my ex husband put it about throughout our marriage anyway, and not because he wasn't getting it from me at home).  But I've seen all the grey - divorce, separation, disability, loss of libido, stroke recovery, gynae problems, old age, medical problems - enough to know there are things outside our control.   If I come away from this game with nothing else, it's to hope I'd be one of the more understanding. I could not believe that a red blooded male could go for years without sex and not look for it elsewhere.  I'd rather have the talk than pretend.

Having been an escort, I understand it is business only.  And that's why, if that talk needed to happen, the only option I would endorse would be seeing a sex worker (and not a street worker).  Id also want to be sure he wasn't going to an establishment that might have women working against their will. It would more likely be an independent like myself, that I'd have no concerns about a relationship forming.

My point was the spouse that says, yeah go do it, then when she finds out the man has followed through, exacts punitive measures, because she never expected the man to take her seriously.   

As to your point on motivation.  Really???   Because I'm from a profession where the motive is not pleasure, I should be prepared to concede to sex with a partner irrespective of my pleasure.  Sorry, sex worker or not, I get to have a say in the matter, a choice.  Any man that gets put out because his wife/girl is/was a sex worker and therefore should NEVER say not to him because she isn't in the mood, is a man who doesn't believe in a woman's right to say no. Perhaps he wants anal sex from a partner that doesn't like anal sex, escort or not.  You saying she's got to grin and bare it, to keep him happy.  Both sides need to want and need the sex.  I expected better from a long term poster on this forum.

I regularly refer work to competitors when I can't be available.  Sorry,I wouldn't lie awake at night because my partner had had to spend money on a competitor for something I wasn't in the mood to provide.

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On 22 May 2016 at 2:50 PM, MinxyLydia said:

I would be the same too, if a partner of mine wasn't getting the sex he wanted from me I'd rather he paid than became resentful towards me or had an emotional affair with someone else.

As for the details, it would depend on the reasons I wasn't giving him what he wanted. If it was an act I don't do or don't do well then I'd definitely encourage him and want to know how it went!

If it was because I couldn't because of medical or emotional reasons I think I'd rather not know.

It was this in our case. But relationships go through phases and now, for medical reasons, I too have zero sex drive. Our love for each other, however, has been constant and we are going through a phase of  loving,caring, fun times and contentment. I rarely mention the lack of sex and if I do it's not in a confrontational way as I admit I did before.

Despite the lack of any sort of sexual activity, we continue to be very tactile: lots of kissing, cuddling and sleeping in each other's arms. Some people haven't got this so we count ourselves as very fortunate.

Having said this, I'm beginning to feel my libido returning so we'll have to see..........

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57 minutes ago, Softee said:

It was this in our case. But relationships go through phases and now, for medical reasons, I too have zero sex drive. Our love for each other, however, has been constant and we are going through a phase of  loving,caring, fun times and contentment. I rarely mention the lack of sex and if I do it's not in a confrontational way as I admit I did before.

Despite the lack of any sort of sexual activity, we continue to be very tactile: lots of kissing, cuddling and sleeping in each other's arms. Some people haven't got this so we count ourselves as very fortunate.

Having said this, I'm beginning to feel my libido returning so we'll have to see..........

I think that's probably the key Softee, it's not just sex that men (and women) miss, it's love and affection. I think all people have a need to be wanted and needed in some capacity and it is when one half of a couple rejects the other whether it be sex, cuddles, kisses or affection that sadness and resentment settles in.  Your post was lovely!

I also think the key in a relationship is communication, whether it's about not having sex or not having cuddles any more. I see it time and time again, men saying they don't know why their wives don't want sex or dare not ask for a certain sex act and they feel they can talk about it. That's a shame. I'm sure some women equally unable to have these conversations too.

Agreeing with Pru, I think when you have escorted you do start to think most that men can't do without sex for long periods of time and if I were in a relationship I would assume my man was going elsewhere if I wasn't giving him sexual pleasure. Cynical or sensible I don't know! I'm sure not all men are like this, but we see those who do choose to cheat day in day our so impossible not to get a jaded view of men! 

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As one driven to punting by a sexless marriage (and yes we had the talk many times) I would see the offer of sex elsewhere not as a gift but another mind game in the situation

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Me and wifey are having this (for the upteenth time) conversation right now. Communication is at a low point as we try and discuss our very rare sex life. Medical issues have sapped her libido in the past, and has become the norm.

my understanding and compassion for her,has slowly turned into frustration and resentment. Finally she said "go find it somewhere else", to which I replied "yes I will spend a small portion of the kids inheritance,because my wife that I love can't be bothered with sex"

today we cleared the air and hope to relearn how to be intimate again ....... The case continues

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14 minutes ago, Navster said:

Me and wifey are having this (for the upteenth time) conversation right now. Communication is at a low point as we try and discuss our very rare sex life. Medical issues have sapped her libido in the past, and has become the norm.

my understanding and compassion for her,has slowly turned into frustration and resentment. Finally she said "go find it somewhere else", to which I replied "yes I will spend a small portion of the kids inheritance,because my wife that I love can't be bothered with sex"

today we cleared the air and hope to relearn how to be intimate again ....... The case continues

Best of luck!  

One of my regulars also had this conversation recently with his wife after the Loose Women episode.  And she says, "Is that what you really want to do?"  They seem to have cleared the air too, and I think she's going to try and grin and bare it.  But I don't see it lasting.   But he won't be confessing to anything!!!

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16 minutes ago, Ebonypru said:

Best of luck!  

One of my regulars also had this conversation recently with his wife after the Loose Women episode.  And she says, "Is that what you really want to do?"  They seem to have cleared the air too, and I think she's going to try and grin and bare it.  But I don't see it lasting.   But he won't be confessing to anything!!!

Me too. Trouble is when you know your partner is only going along out of a sense of caring and love, but would prefer not, it doesn't work. At least not for me. 

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44 minutes ago, Ebonypru said:

Best of luck!  

One of my regulars also had this conversation recently with his wife after the Loose Women episode.  And she says, "Is that what you really want to do?"  They seem to have cleared the air too, and I think she's going to try and grin and bare it.  But I don't see it lasting.   But he won't be confessing to anything!!!

Likewise - I won't be releasing any details of my rendezvous 

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Despite being an active and adventurous women with whom I have shared a lot of sexual experiences we very rarely 'do it' anymore.  She knows from our previous experiences that I have 'needs', and I am sure knows I pay for sex, but we cant talk about it.  We just both pretend and somehow I think this will be a good thing - it saves her from any feeling of humiliation and gives me a secret which adds to the excitement, and I don't have to confess to how much I get to enjoy myself, or how young the young ladies might be.  Discrete fucking, sucking etc is the order of the day!

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You cannot talk a woman into wanting to have sex with you; those conversations (and yes, I've had them too) are counter-productive.

The only thing that works is re-building attraction (assuming it was there in the first place, which if you're married or in a LTR than it almost certainly was). It's hard work, but can be done.

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Posted (edited)

On 23/05/2016 at 10:04 AM, MinxyLydia said:

A sex worker is just an ordinary woman you know, I know plenty who have monogamous relationships outside of their work. Many sex workers don't see sex with clients as sex but just work and who have faithful partners. The argument that sex workers should be OK with their partners shagging someone else is unfair, that's not how it is. Many sex workers in relationships would feel betrayed just as a lot of civvy women would and any man that used her work as an excuse to be unfaithful is a dick she is better off without.

I really think that this is a catch22 situation. Having watched so many documentaries about sex workers and ex-sex workers; I really do think that (even if their partners may accept them and what they do) the dynamics of the relationship never remain the same. We cannot forget that we are all human and our true feelings may get the better of us. You may be with the most wonderful man in the world who will support and love you through your sex work career and never say anything nor do anything wrong. This does not mean that he was ever 100% okay with this and that he was ever really honest about how he feels. It is simply not fair to assume so. My inderstanding is that, even though the sex work may not be a problem in some relationships; it does cause a strain of some sort.

Now, the begging question here is, will we ever forgive those men who may not find it okay to be denied sex just because "I've been having sex all day and I am tired. Go somewhere else" type of attitude or "I am off sex because of my work" approach? Dont those men deserve a little more understanding for putting up with the fact that you have sex with men all day? Money aside, sex is still sex. Some escorts meet people they are attracted to in a job and genuinely enjoy the session. As humans we are all built with this weakness called emotions and it triggers unwanted or unexpected feels leading to inconvient situations.

My take on this, as a sex worker; I need to allow my partner to express themselves fully and actually be very understanding of his feelings. As my partner, I expect him to fully communicate with me and understand that sometimes a no is a no and that doesn't mean anything - forget what I do for a living. If I tell him to go get it from somewhere else, it shouldn't bother me what he does and where he gets it from. As a sex worker we already know how men get it. Simple.

Sex for women is different. Men have sex with their physical being, we have sex with our hearts (emotions). Being a sex worker you have to 'switch off' a lot of feeling and that takes a lot out of some ladies. It is easier for some obviously but for others it may trigger a lot of things in them. I for one have found that I have become attracted to women and wouldn't want a man as a partner... Sometimes once you switch certain things off, they go away forever... I won't go into things like sexual abuse, trauma as child etc - which we see a lot with sex workers. I feel like I am moving off topic:unsure:

Edited by ebonymonae
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I had a friend who had been with her husband for 25 years. She was 13 and he was 16 when they got together. They brought esch other up. I remember him saying he would defend anything his wife did, even murder, because as far as he was concerned, she would have a good resson to do.it.

They lived  together and she also had a live in boyfriend and other occassional partners. He was perfectly ok.with it. I never asked about their sex life, but they clearly were still in love with each other.

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Hi guys, I'm new here and thought I'd add my thoughts. I've actually had this conversation with friends and I've told them that if I was attached I would allow my boyfriend/husband to sleep with other women. If everything else in the marriage is great apart from the sex, why not?

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On 6/2/2016 at 4:02 PM, Vin DaLoo said:

You cannot talk a woman into wanting to have sex with you; 

I can't believe that you mean that in the completely unfocused terms in which you have phrased it.

'Chatting up' is a myth??

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