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DirtyGit

... And the moral of the story is... "Don't be cheeky"

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1) A newlywed couple (who had been saving themselves) arrive at their honeymoon suite and they are getting undressed to finally "seal the deal"

Jack takes off his trousers and tosses them to his new wife Chloe and says, "Put these trousers on". Chloe asks, "Why?" Jack insists, "Put them on!". She then tries this and they are twice the size of her body. She then says "Hey, I can't wear these trousers!". Jack then says, "That's right, and don't you forget it! I'm the man and I wear the trousers in this relationship"

With that said and done, Chloe tosses Jack her small pink thong and says, "Put these on!" Jack tries but can only get them up as far as his knees. He then says, "Damn, I can't get into these knickers", Chloe says, "Correct, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!".

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2) A very elderly couple are sitting on their porch in separate rocking chairs. He's reading the paper and she's doing knitting. Out of the blue, the lady clumps the guy over the head  with her walking stick so hard, his rocking chair speeds up rapidly. When he's over the shock, he then says, "Hey, what was that for?" She then says, "That's for all the bad sex I've had to put up with for the past 70 years!" 

About 1/2 hour later, the guy suddenly whacks her with his walking stick so hard that she actually falls out of her char. When she gets up, she says "Ouch! Why would you do that?"  The guy says calmly "For knowing the difference"

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3) Little Molly is playing around and her mother is supervising. When she jumps on the chair next to her mother she notices there are a few white hairs in her mostly brunette head. She then ask "Mummy, why are some of your hairs white?" The mother says "Because every time you're naughty or make me sad, you make one of my hairs white". Molly then pauses for a few seconds and then asks, "Mummy, why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"

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4) Bob is sitting at his usual place at the table reading the paper. Within this, there is an article about a footballer well known for his poor etiquette and general bad behaviour, he is about to marry a beautiful supermodel. He then looks to his wife Marlene and with a look of confusion says, "I'll never understand why the biggest arseholes always end up with the best chicks" Marlene looks up smiles and says, "Why thank you dear" 

 

 

 

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A female computer technician was setting up a new computer for a particularly smug and arrogant male colleague. She then asked what he would like his password to be... wanting to embarrass her, he said "Cock" . Without flinching, she typed in his chosen password... but she couldn't stop laughing hysterically at the computers response:-

"Password rejected:- Not long enough"

 

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Peter goes into a pharmacy and asks for a condom wanting to brag to the pharmacist he says, "I'm going to my girlfriends house for dinner, and I think tonight's the night I'm going to get lucky". He pays for them and is about to leave... but he goes back and says, "I'll have another one, her sister is pretty cute, always flirting with me, she's always flicking her hair and crossing her legs and stuff... I might get in there too". The pharmacist gives him another condom, and then Peter pauses for a bit and says, "Actually, her mother is a bit of a MILF, seeing as she's the one who invited me for dinner, it'd be rude for me not to see to her too". Finally, he then leaves the pharmacy with the biggest grin on his face.

When seated for dinner, he has his girlfriend to the left, her sister on the right and the mother facing him. When the father walks in, Peter bows his head and starts the "Grace" prayer:- "Dear lord, Bless this dinner and thank you for everything you've given us..." 10 minutes later, Peter is still praying, getting more intense, "Please forgive all those who have sinned against you..."  Another 10 minuites go by and Peter is still praying in silence concentrating so hard, there's visible sweat coming from his forehead and armpits. Everyone is surprised, especially his girlfriend. Perplexed, his girlfriend leans over to him and whispers, "I never knew you were so religious"; Peter, still with head on the table replies "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist"

Edited by DirtyGit

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Three millionaires are having a drink together each discussing what they bought their wives for Christmas. The first says, "I got my wife a mansion in the country and a Penthouse apartment in the city" . The others say "Why the two?" The first says, "Well if she doesn't like one, she can have the other". The second says, "Oh really? I got my wife a Ferrari  Enzo and a Rolls Royce Phantom (chauffer included)"  The others say "Why the two?" The second says, "Well if she doesn't like one, she can have the other". The third says, "Well I got my wife a diamond necklace and a vibrator."  The others say "Why the two?"  The third says "Well if she doesn't like the necklace she can go fuck herself!"

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