Dartagnan

Funny lines that describe a WG

11 posts in this topic

In an earlier thread about post cards in newsagents windows, one punter recalled (sorry, forgot who you are)...

I lived in Bayswater in my earliy twenties towards the end of the swinging sixties and shop windows had a large selection of cards in those days. Among my favourites were:-

Former Air Hostess seeks ground position

Beautiful Butterfly needs mounting

Light building work undertaken-quick erections and demolitions guaranteed!

So c'mon girls, if there was no internet and you had to resort to advertising by writing a witty postcard that describes you and your services , what would you come up with?

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As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14

The cast:

CUSTOMER

Eric Idle

SHOPKEEPER

Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent's shop. A shabby man is running an evil qe down the adverts, puzzling, looking fir something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)

Customer: Good morning.

Shopkeeper: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Customer: Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir?

Customer: I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.

Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?

Customer: That's fight. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it.

Shopkeeper: Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.

Customer: (long think, goes to door, looks at ads again) Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers please.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir.

Customer: Does it go?

Shopkeeper: Er, it's over there in the corner. (indicates a wooden chest of drawers)

Customer: Oh. (goes to door, runs his finger down the list of adverts) Pram for sale. Any offers. I'd like a bit of pram please.

Shopkeeper: Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.

Customer: Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?

Shopkeeper: Yes, here it is you see. (picks up pram)

Customer: (looks, pauses, goes back to the door, runs finger again) Babysitter. No, it's a babysitter. Babysitter?

Shopkeeper: Babysitter.

Customer: Babysitter - I don't want a babysitter. Be a blood donor - that's it. I'd like to give some blood please, argh! (shopkeeper shakes head) Oh spit. Which one is it? (shopkeeper slips him a card from out of his pocket) Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?

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As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14

The cast:

CUSTOMER

Eric Idle

SHOPKEEPER

Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent's shop. A shabby man is running an evil qe down the adverts, puzzling, looking fir something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)

Customer: Good morning.

Shopkeeper: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Customer: Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir?

Customer: I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.

Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?

Customer: That's fight. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it.

Shopkeeper: Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.

Customer: (long think, goes to door, looks at ads again) Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers please.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir.

Customer: Does it go?

Shopkeeper: Er, it's over there in the corner. (indicates a wooden chest of drawers)

Customer: Oh. (goes to door, runs his finger down the list of adverts) Pram for sale. Any offers. I'd like a bit of pram please.

Shopkeeper: Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.

Customer: Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?

Shopkeeper: Yes, here it is you see. (picks up pram)

Customer: (looks, pauses, goes back to the door, runs finger again) Babysitter. No, it's a babysitter. Babysitter?

Shopkeeper: Babysitter.

Customer: Babysitter - I don't want a babysitter. Be a blood donor - that's it. I'd like to give some blood please, argh! (shopkeeper shakes head) Oh spit. Which one is it? (shopkeeper slips him a card from out of his pocket) Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?

Is your wife a goer, nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean squire.....

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Is your wife a goer, nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean squire.....

Could be taken on holiday :)

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From my distant days as a law student I have two exhibits, both Shaw! The first is a copy of the Shaw Alphabet edition of Androcles and the Lion, which shows that Re. Shaw is a dangerous precedent to rely on, and the second is a well thumbed copy of the "Ladies Directory" which cost the publisher, George Frederick Shaw, six months in the slammer - DPP v Shaw - at 5/- I thought it quite good value, but I wasn't old enough to use it!

The Directory was, in effect, a compendium of the news agent's cards, with a few photographs - one ad, with photo, offered something that I haven't seen advertised on the web ever, namely a contortionist!

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Pair of large antique jugs for sale.

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Exotic flower pot with long legged stand. Just perfect for your violets.

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Just like the carry on films of the 60's and 70's.

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Just like the carry on films of the 60's and 70's.

Heheh... Have you been reading my FRs?

;):rolleyes:

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I havent but as you are a year older than me perhaps we share the same sense of humor :lol

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Is your wife a goer, nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean squire.....

Do you want a photo of her, know what I mean, nudge nudge, Ive got some here, wink, wink.

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