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Steve Morris

I'm Marlene durin' office 'ours

In admin - Bradley's Bricks

Crosswords in mi dinner break

An' finish spot on six

I gets mi mum 'er shoppin' in

Sometimes I cooks 'er tea

Then I'm 'ome to Foxglove Avenue

Just seven cats an me

Just seven cats an' me that is

'Til the evenin's mid-way through

When I gets a gentleman caller round

An' some nights I gets two

But, please, don't get the wrong idea

Romance aint in mi brief

I just do 'personal services'

For blokes what need relief

It's the blokes what need relief, ya see

That 'elps mi pay the rent

An' where's the 'arm in cheerin' up

Some well 'eeled city gent?

Doctors, lawyers, VIP's

Mi diary's always packed

An' I've got this Chief Inspector chap

Who likes 'is bottom smacked

Oh 'e likes 'is bottom smacked alright

Wi' a rolled-up Sportin' Life

Then he'll sit an' show me photographs

Of 'is children an' 'is wife

She thinks he's down the snooker 'all

Wi' a few o' the boys in blue

An' she cooks 'is kippers unawares

It's me what chalks 'is cue

I chalks the cue for quite a few

Provides their mid-week treat

Forty quid an' strictly cash

No refunds, no receipt

Oh aye! It seems peculiar

But I've learned to love this life

Don't fancy marryin' t' sort o' bloke

Who'd treat me like a wife.

Treat me like a wife, the sod

Roll home at well gone nine

Wi' a tale of 'ow 'is train broke down

Like hell! the yin' swine

He's been wi' Little Miss Lingerie

Enjoyin' 'is Friday fling

While I'm off to bed wi' mi Ovaltine

Now that's what marriage'd bring.

That's what marriage'd bring, it would

As well as the more mundane

Matchin' Fair Isle cardigans

An' 'olidays spent in Spain

Deckchairs on a well trimmed lawn

Of a Saturday afternoon

Him wi' 'is gardenin' catalogues out

An' me wi' a Mills an' Boon.

Me wi' a Mills an' Boon? My arse!

I'll stick to what I do best

Chasin' the vicar around the settee

Wi' baby oil rubbed on 'is chest

So be careful if ya consider yourself

An impeccable mother an' wife

It could be your Albert bent over mi knee

When I'm armed wi' mi Sportin' Life.


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A sort of "Tommy Atkins" for WGs

Took me back to brief inglorious flirtation with the teaching life (Main English at a Coll of Ed). Had a practice at an RC school; the harridan of a dept head briefed "I'm very broad minded, use what ever texts you like but mind, No politics & NO SEX!"

The CSE girls in a NE indusrial area would have related straight to this. Got great stuff from them as long as it was on loose sheets - "don't let Her see it"

I doubt that Brindel, HH and co are fans.

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