SashaB

Fetish Ignorance

28 posts in this topic

Im not ignorant towards fetish as in mind set but entirely ignorant in knowledge. Im desperately trying to understand what fetish actually is.

I personally considered fetish anything non vanilla that encompassed a fantasy... i.e. you get smoking fetishes, food fetishes like sploshing etc.

On that basis is cross dressing fetish? I would have said so but how come whenever I visit fetish sites its always BDSM, mistress's and discipline? Doesnt fetish encompass much more than this or is fetish really quite specific and everything else I had considered fetish something else?

Or is a mistress just someone that is willing to explore a fetish, whatever that fetish might be, i.e. food, cross dressing, smoking etc. Is a mistress in fact much more than a mistress of domination?

If its not fetish what is Adult Mothering, Philias, Cross Dressing etc. Is tantric fetish or something else again?

Someone please enlighten me, Im really confused

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dictionary definition - a form of sexual desire related to an object or body part.

I'm no expert but think the word gets mis-used on some sites. The above definition sums up what I think of as fetish.

Hope that helps!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I woulsd say it is (strictly) rather stronger than that. I have always taken the literal sense to be "something that is vital to sexual performance or that, of itself, tiggers desire - eg a guy who need his lady to be in red fuck me shoes or who is turned on by said item regardless of other things.

Like most of our language this has weakened over time and now applies to games folk would like to try.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But does that mean Fetish covers all of the above or is fetish just mistresses and domination and the rest is covered by something else.

My confusion comes in that all of the fetish sites I have seen seem to focus on domination & mistress's rather than anything else. Dress comes into it with rubber etc. but still seems to orientate around one or other dominant party, i.e. mistress dressed in pvc with a whip. Other what I would consider to be fetishes like adult baby, smoking, cross dressing seem to be lost somewhere in between what is considered vanilla vs what is considered fetish.

Does fetish cover it all or is there some other word to cover those things not covered by vanilla or fetish?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mmmm, I think everyone has a different view of what fetish constitutes.

In general terms I personally believe it to be defined as something other than the normal... broad brush stokes on "norm"

I think BDSM and S&M are a branch of fetish, which can encompass a whole wide range of other kinky stuff...doesnt need to be kinky to be a fetish though!!

interesting question

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think the ignorance is entirely yours.

"fetish" has been taken over by a corner of the swinging scene and sex trade and the word's meaning debased. It spares people from talking of the specifics of BSMD etc.

one of the daftest recurrent posts on here is the guy who says he would "like to try a fetish" - if it's optional it ain't a fetish and if it's real I guess the guy knows what he's after.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
In general terms I personally believe it to be defined as something other than the normal... broad brush stokes on "norm"

:D

That was kind of my thinking but then does TV/TS fit into fetish or the male escort scene?

I guess the moral of the story is sex is diverse as is sexual preference and taste.

Perhaps its easier to just accept it doesnt fit into a box but loosly thinking fetish surounds desire and fantasy and all those things that go with it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sasha I would say fetish has very little to do with mistresses and domination. I think of a fetish as something that turns you on regardless. I have always been sorry that I don't seem to have any because it must be nice to have something that gets you aroused like turning on a light.

Certain smells, certain fabrics, shoes, hair, sounds, body parts, its usually something relating to the first time you got really aroused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well the dictionary definition is as follows:

Fetish

–noun

1.

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.

Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

So it can be pretty much anything that triggers an habitual erotic response. (With out being the obvious bits that you would normally think about)

I suppose the reason people take it to mean BDSM domination etc it because they are the most popular forms of fetish that everyone talks about.

And would also make the most money from websites etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
one of the daftest recurrent posts on here is the guy who says he would "like to try a fetish" - if it's optional it ain't a fetish and if it's real I guess the guy knows what he's after.

I can identify with that one as I sometimes get asked by new guys

"I fancy a role play, never done it before so what kind do you do?"

My reply is that it doesn't quite work like that.... the client has to come to

me with his own idea of a role play fantasy which has either previously worked

for him or one which he has always wanted to carry out as the idea turns him on.

Therefore if a new client asks me what I can offer as role play, we don't usually do it.... as I do not believe it would work well if it was not his own

idea.

Similar situation with fetishes, it is the client who brings his ideas.

( I have had some eye watering and amazing ones too! :D )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
That was kind of my thinking but then does TV/TS fit into fetish or the male escort scene?

I guess the moral of the story is sex is diverse as is sexual preference and taste.

Perhaps its easier to just accept it doesnt fit into a box but loosly thinking fetish surounds desire and fantasy and all those things that go with it.

This is how I understand it. If someone is turned on by a TV/TS, that's not a fetish. If someone is turned on by someone because they are TV/TS, that's a fetish. Fetishes can encompass a huge range of things that are unrelated but get lumped together because it's easier for "normal people" to get.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I can identify with that one as I sometimes get asked by new guys

"I fancy a role play, never done it before so what kind do you do?"

My reply is that it doesn't quite work like that.... the client has to come to

me with his own idea of a role play fantasy which has either previously worked

for him or one which he has always wanted to carry out as the idea turns him on.

Therefore if a new client asks me what I can offer as role play, we don't usually do it.... as I do not believe it would work well if it was not his own

idea.

Similar situation with fetishes, it is the client who brings his ideas.

( I have had some eye watering and amazing ones too! :D )

I wouldnt necessarily go along with that Adele. I have seen a WG advertise a particular roleplay and invite punters to book her to enjoy that roleplay with her. I would have thought that would work well. The punter knows she is comfortable with that play, she must be confident that she can act it out well and the punter will go with the flow.

I have never sought or done a role play myself but I might be up for it if I knew that a particular role play was a fav of the WG. My guess is that guys who are into this may have very specific role plays they would like to carry out but because they are so specific success might be difficult to achieve and therefore but they would be more than happy to go along with plays in which the WG is well versed -- would likely lead to a more authentic exoerience for the punter,no ? What do you and others think ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Adele and Cumandgo have got a point.

But

If you want to do fetish (whatever that is going to mean to you), don't pay a WG or whoever to explain it to you at £170 an hour. Read a book! :rolleyes:

If you heard of a rifle range / advanced ski slope / dance championship class / something else you knew sfa about would you just go along with dufus tattooed all over your forehead and say can I have a go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh??????????????????

Duh! It might not be rocket science but at least show an interest, try to learn about it, get a video, even ask people on a forum like this. Someone saying they 'would like a go' at A-levels is bad enough unless you happen to be a teacher-mode lovie. You at least need to find a common language and be able to talk about what's going to happen in some form or other.

Were I a working girl, that is one type of email I'd delete on sight.

(Fairly irrelevant it might seem and certainly not everyone's taste, but

happened to be playing as I'm writing and I thought I'd share: as there is only one line of lyrics that is audible and surprisingly it did seem strangely relevant so am sharing with you should you feel so inclined ;))

But then there's WGs that write stories. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them are fetish, exquisitely described. They're usually in the text downloads. If someone supplies those fantasies for you to digest beforehand then. I still rather think, 'learn from one, try it out with another.' Cumandgo's example could equally mean she is inviting people who are already comfortable with that fantasy. I've also seen WGs advertise fantasies when they don't actually have much clue either, but would like to - ie they're in the same position. Best either person can do is bluff and hope for the best. But a bit of research can go a long way. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I myself have engaged in bdsm activities with my bf for years now.

For me personally, this is my understanding of fetish.

The bd in bdsm stands for bondage and discipline. This can encompass anything from being restranied, whipped, paddled, not being allowed to cum, forced to perform certain chores or activities, etc.

The sm stands for sado masichism. This encompasses the giving and receiving of pain (one person gives, the other receives).

Anything else that falls outside of this, that is not considered 'normal' or 'vanilla' sex, is a fetish. That can inculude anything from adult baby minding, cross dressing, smoking and foot fetishes, spanking, watersports/hardsports, favoring certain materials or sensations (i.e. being wrapped in latex) and the list can go on. I think for as many people there are in the world, there could possibly be that many fetishes.

Furthermore, someone who likes bdsm does not neccessarily have to have a fetish and vice versa. Usually speaking, people who enjoy bdsm do want to be dominated whereas those who just have fetishes do not always want or need to be.

That of course, is just the tip of the iceberg, but I hope it helps you understand it a little better. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more about it hun.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I woulsd say it is (strictly) rather stronger than that. I have always taken the literal sense to be "something that is vital to sexual performance or that, of itself, tiggers desire - eg a guy who need his lady to be in red fuck me shoes or who is turned on by said item regardless of other things.

Like most of our language this has weakened over time and now applies to games folk would like to try.

Now THAT is one hell of a fetish!!! :rolleyes:

Sorry, couldn't resist it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So do you get more turned on by big bikes or recycling boxes?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Firstly let me apologise for such a long waffling post, i am aware its a bit of a monster but im gonna post it anyway lol.x

For me i would say that a fetish is ANYTHING that is intrinsicly important to your sexual enjoyment.

for example.. most guys love to give oral either for their own sexual pleasure or because they love the feeling that the lady is turned on or simply enjoying herself too. Many guys are in relationships where the partner does not allow them to give her oral pleasure. The can function sexually perfectley without the oral on her, they just wish they could. However, if a guy really is not fulfilled sexually unless he can perform oral on a lady, it is vitally important and absolutley ruins the whole thing or literally he is only able to get turned on initially if some kind of oral is performed on her then this is then a fetish.

I have specifically picked oral on women as my example becuase even a vanilla thing can be a fetish if it is an absolute sexual must. They do not need to be something outlandish or unusual or non mainstream. Most guys love high heels cos they are sexy, but if someone phones around and will only book a lady who has very high spikey heels then this has crossed over into a fetish.

Fetish is nothing to do with being a mistress, a mistress has mental or physical control of her subjects. Many guys fuction perfectly well without a domination aspect to the proceedings but they love it and indulge in it as a separate experience to sex. If a guy needs the domination or get turned on and without it is not able to experience sexual fullfil,

I state that i offer domination, humiliation AND fetish as an extra service but i do not go into detail about the fetish side, i simply state fetish and that if someone has something they enjoy that is not listef on my site then they should contact me and ask as they can almost always have what they are asking, within legal, financial and time constraints. This opens the doors for people to contact me without fear of ridicule. Often someones fetish is hidden from others because they feel either ashamed that something they feel is silly controls their sexual life sometimes to extremes.They need to know i wont laugh at them and i dont unless they laugh at themselves during the appointment, then i can laugh with them and say, yes, it is a silly and unusual fetish, but is it hurting anyone, no, so it does not matter what anyone else think of it, only that you enjoy it. I am aware that some fetishes are illegal or harmful but i dont involve myself with these and to be honest, most guys who are into those things probably would give anything to be able to get turned on another way instead, but they are driven by such a strong need, i am not excusing any wrong doing they have, but none of us pick what turns us on, we just get physical feelings when confronted with certain things and thats when we learn what it feels like to even be turned on.

Many fetish,s stem from experiences that happen to us when we are so young that we dont even remember it, we either remember or are confronted with something in puberty or later life that then triggers or helps them understand their fetish.

I have read a fair bit online about the root of fetish,s. One guy was a case study, his fetish had taken control of him to the extent that he would follow or stare at women attired in his fetish, neve approach but i was awkward for him to be eg in a bar and have some guy shouting at him for staring at his girlfriend, he wasnt even aware he was doing it until confronted. His fetish was red stillettos, patent leather ones shiny like liquid nailvarnish. Not flats, not plain leather, not even red and another, only high, block red patent leather stillettos. He underwent hypnosis to get to the root of the fetish, understand it and try to either control it or learn to wean himself from it completley. It turned out that the first time he had become aware of the sexual act, not understand what it was or be involved, just the first time he had witnessed it was when he heard a noise in the night when he was 5 years old, he went to get into his mums bed but when he was on the way there he heard noises again, he wandered downstairs thinkin it was his mum and he saw a pair of legs through the open gap of the door to the lounge. He neve went in but he saw the shiney red patent leather stilletto,s at the same time as a female groaning in pleasure, he did not know what he was hearing, got scared and ran up to his mums bed and that was it. It turned out to be his teenage sister with her boyfriend having a quickie in the lounge before he went home. The boy forgot it had ever happened but once he was a teenager and started to notice girls the experiences he had were never as fullfilling as his mates bragged about, his tackle worked fine but once things got hot and heavy he always felt that something was missing until one night he went to the local disco and saw a girl in high red patent leather stilletto,s and he was mesmerised by them. The fetish was born and developed from there.

Not all fetish comes from this though, a guy or girl may simply experience something new when messing around or searching the internet and find i turns them on, they start to use the thought of what they saw or the actaul item say, in their masturbation fantasies or with a partner but gradually it turns from a turn on to a total requirement, its no longer a bit of extra fun, its a fetish.

Case in point me ex husband, when we were in our early twenties we got a bit stoned one evening, a couple of bottles or vino later he admitted he had always wanted to try anal sex, it had interested him since he had first heard about it.I was fine, we tried it, loved it etc. We tried it a week later and i did not enjoy it as much , he loved it though and started to pester me for it more than i wanted. In the end i told him i was never going to do it with him again, every time we had sex for 5 years he wanted alevel, i would have liked it every now and again but he put me under so much pressure to do it that it gradually dawned on me that i no longer turned him on, anal sex did, he became obsessed, tried to bugger me against my will one night a few years later and our relationship ended that night, he had a fetish that became an obsession, he could think of nothing else.

Obviously the above are extreme fetish examples, thankfully most people can control their fetish more than the fetish contols them.xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guess Spider has a Fie pair of legs fetish, "Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guess Spider has a Fie pair of legs fetish, "Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation."

Lol,what is it called then when a guy or girl has a fetish strength need to look at or do something to a say a willy or a fanny to get turned on, if a lady cannot get physically turned on unless she is actully playing with a willy, ie nothing he does will work until the willy touching is thrown in, it must be called something i guess.x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

Except you might also want to enjoy that type of response (acquiring the habit, response or fixation). In which case the fetish is something that is learnt or acquired.

There are tomes written on fetish. Yet I think quite a few people might like either just enough understanding to be able to relate to friends and people who enjoy fetish, or else find out enough to discover if it might be something they could enjoy. Like a habit or a skill. You may be stuck with it or you might fancy acquiring it. If it's the former, you know what it is. If it's the latter, it cannot happen in the blink of an eye.

As the first category has been covered, perhaps I can mention an approach for those who fancy consciously tweaking their senses in such a direction. If you find vanilla sex a bit 'been-there-done-that.'

You could start just looking in shops. See if you feel an affinity for particular fabrics or items of clothing. Read a couple or novels to see if you can feel for the characters who have a particular fetish.

Another way is to get inside the process (if you're inclined). 'Fetishisation' as technique is much used in cinema and advertising, and you might be able to latch onto it, especially if you have a dramatic nature.To fetishise something is to build up the physical beauty of the object, transforming it into something satisfying in itself. We can fetishise power, masculinity, girliness, a particular colour, technology, anything - imbuing it with a significance it doesn't 'really' have.

We all fetishise in the broader sense. We could get turned on by the expression on a lover's face, believing it to be more than just a collection of skin and wrinkles. We might gaze at a partner's hand as she/he lies asleep, focussing all our thoughts about that person into their hand, watching for the tiniest flicker of movement.

Once that object becomes the centre of your universe, it is easy to imbue it with sexual thoughts. (A degree of restraint is helpful - there is little point getting half way through and thinking, "sod the nice boots, I just fancy a shag.") Making the sexual fulfilment in a way unattainable and substituting the object as the object of desire takes you a long way towards experiencing it as fetish.

Maybe it's the sustained concentration. I'm not sure but I think it's a bit like temporary obsession. It's great for combining with meticulous role plays. But it is not synonymous with role play any more than it is with bdsm. It's great for unlocking fantasies you hardly knew you have. It can be very simple or very off-the-wall. And yes, discuss first! Unless you have a good idea what you want and know that the person you are going to do it with is comfortable with it, it's hard to let your guard down and also hard to expect it to work.

The ladies have already added much sense on this - just thought it might help coming from a man as well . . .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Except you might also want to enjoy that type of response (acquiring the habit, response or fixation). In which case the fetish is something that is learnt or acquired.

There are tomes written on fetish. Yet I think quite a few people might like either just enough understanding to be able to relate to friends and people who enjoy fetish, or else find out enough to discover if it might be something they could enjoy. Like a habit or a skill. You may be stuck with it or you might fancy acquiring it. If it's the former, you know what it is. If it's the latter, it cannot happen in the blink of an eye.

As the first category has been covered, perhaps I can mention an approach for those who fancy consciously tweaking their senses in such a direction. If you find vanilla sex a bit 'been-there-done-that.'

You could start just looking in shops. See if you feel an affinity for particular fabrics or items of clothing. Read a couple or novels to see if you can feel for the characters who have a particular fetish.

Another way is to get inside the process (if you're inclined). 'Fetishisation' as technique is much used in cinema and advertising, and you might be able to latch onto it, especially if you have a dramatic nature.To fetishise something is to build up the physical beauty of the object, transforming it into something satisfying in itself. We can fetishise power, masculinity, girliness, a particular colour, technology, anything - imbuing it with a significance it doesn't 'really' have.

We all fetishise in the broader sense. We could get turned on by the expression on a lover's face, believing it to be more than just a collection of skin and wrinkles. We might gaze at a partner's hand as she/he lies asleep, focussing all our thoughts about that person into their hand, watching for the tiniest flicker of movement.

Once that object becomes the centre of your universe, it is easy to imbue it with sexual thoughts. (A degree of restraint is helpful - there is little point getting half way through and thinking, "sod the nice boots, I just fancy a shag.") Making the sexual fulfilment in a way unattainable and substituting the object as the object of desire takes you a long way towards experiencing it as fetish.

Maybe it's the sustained concentration. I'm not sure but I think it's a bit like temporary obsession. It's great for combining with meticulous role plays. But it is not synonymous with role play any more than it is with bdsm. It's great for unlocking fantasies you hardly knew you have. It can be very simple or very off-the-wall. And yes, discuss first! Unless you have a good idea what you want and know that the person you are going to do it with is comfortable with it, it's hard to let your guard down and also hard to expect it to work.

The ladies have already added much sense on this - just thought it might help coming from a man as well . . .

I enjoyed reading this post and yes i agree, we do fetishise all kinds for things, but not necessarily in a sexual sense, fashion for example, leaving aside all the very obviouse fetish style chlothing if you wanted to take it to extremes then someone who only feels comfortable in a certain type of outfit, refuses to wear any other style or type of clothing could be loosly fetish.

Stockings are not out of the norm wear for a lot of ladies on a night out, but they are very high on the fetish favourites list, as are tights.

I do agree you could probably learn to become turned on by a certain something if you introduced it into all your fantasies, eventually the fantasy would feel wrong without the thing you introduced, but i does not necessarily

follow that you would be unable to become aroused if it were not there, you cannot i feel teach yourself a fetish as you would tennis or such and such. A fetish even if it comes on in later life is something that almost always has its roots in experience, not always, but often. A fetish can be honed or developed by someone to a certain degree through learning new variations and using your imagination,as you said, books movies etc but the basic attraction, the unexplained feelings you get from your fetish i think must be natural ones, not man made ones. You can explore all the fetish magazines and films you like but it will not guarantee you will be able to pick up a fetish, you may find things you have immense fun doing but its highly unlikely to ever develope into fetish. You may by doing so come across something that just grabs you, intrigues you makes you feel turned on even and then when you are alone you can think about it and it will be incredible, a true fetish would be something that you become mildly obsessed with and wouldnt dream of not including in your playtimes. I dont think it can ever be forced, why would someone bother unless they found something that made them feel like i described above, which negates the need to teach oneself anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To anyone who happened to notice my atrocious spelling for the last 3 weeks i would just like to explain that my brain has not fallen out of my arse but i did in fact have some fake nails put on and they slip and slide all over the keys, and sometimes i cant be bothered to go through all the hundreds of typo.s they cause me to make virtually every post, this one not included.lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Re Chloe's long example post about the the red shoes

it reminded me so much about a client I had some time back...

he told me he was brought up in Spain and his parents had a housemaid who, despite the heat always wore opaque flesh coloured tights or stockings ( he was not sure which as he never got close enough to the tops of her thighs :D )

however he recalled that when he was around age 6 or 7 he would run to the maid if his parents had told him off..... she would cuddle him and his head would be next to her legs where he could feel and smell the thick tights which made him as a young boy, feel "funny" :)

As he grew up and matured, he became aroused whenever he saw a woman wearing those plain tan tights.

He asked me to wear them on his first visit and did so on subsequent appointments, his obsession and interest was very obvious but I asked him

if he usually had ok sex with girls who did not or would not wear the tights.

He said yes but even if the girl was gorgeous.... it was never half as good as when his nose and mouth were brushing against a pair of nude colour stockinged legs....

he was not in the least interested in suspenders or any other type of stockings.... it had to be the old fashioned plain boring ( to most people ) tights.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Re Chloe's long example post about the the red shoesQUOTE]

It was long for a reason.x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Re Chloe's long example post about the the red shoes

it reminded me so much about a client I had some time back...

he told me he was brought up in Spain and his parents had a housemaid who, despite the heat always wore opaque flesh coloured tights or stockings ( he was not sure which as he never got close enough to the tops of her thighs :D )

however he recalled that when he was around age 6 or 7 he would run to the maid if his parents had told him off..... she would cuddle him and his head would be next to her legs where he could feel and smell the thick tights which made him as a young boy, feel "funny" :)

As he grew up and matured, he became aroused whenever he saw a woman wearing those plain tan tights.

He asked me to wear them on his first visit and did so on subsequent appointments, his obsession and interest was very obvious but I asked him

if he usually had ok sex with girls who did not or would not wear the tights.

He said yes but even if the girl was gorgeous.... it was never half as good as when his nose and mouth were brushing against a pair of nude colour stockinged legs....

he was not in the least interested in suspenders or any other type of stockings.... it had to be the old fashioned plain boring ( to most people ) tights.

I guess I will have to meet you one day!

I'm totally obsessed with tights ever since I was little. I even wear them everyday to work, to shopping, to pretty much everywhere. I have easily over 50 pairs that my wife will often borrow from my stash in the winter.

I have found it hard to find ladies that would wear them during play time without ruining the mood or at all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now