No. 93471 - Published 4 Oct 2009
Review of Elise of Milton Keynes
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There is a lift, but I decided to scale the 72 steps to pump-up my quads. I did 20 press-ups outside the door and rang the bell. When it opened, I did a front lat spread.
It was Saturday. I decided to give Elise a test drive. She had racy bodywork, a tight chassis, and a sweet engine that revs beyond the call of duty. As a bonus, she resembles a young Daniella Westbrook.
"*****" The Times
"Gripping" The Observer
"Dazzling" The Evening Standard
"Perplexing!" The Financial Times
"Bloody immigrants taking our jobs!" The Daily Mail
From the makers of "Fish Supper at Tiffany's" and "The Triplets of Tewkesbury" comes the new autumn blockbuster: "Minge Grease".
[The following text is to be read in the style of a deep-voiced, movie-trailer voiceover artist.]
One man, in a land, in a time, in a world dispossessed of morality where cash is king and the currency is lust. Man Meat plays the Punter. Elise plays the dame on the game. Double the action!! Triple the excitement!!! It's an edge-of-your-seat thriller starring two great icons of the Milton Keynes punting fraternity. It's the on-screen romance that had to happen. The bedroom scenes will entrance you with their pulse-quickening, slam-bang action sequences. It's wilder than "The Wild Bunch"; more sinful than "Sin City"; yet more frugal than "Million Dollar Baby".
This movie has it all: bubbling libidos, deep French kissing, oral without, reverse-oral, fingering, stroking, poking, laughing and joking. It's unceasingly upbeat with Laugh-Out-Loud moments of hilarity, sparkling dialogue, and sexual performances that will linger in the mind like traces of mercury. It's the perfect antidote to political propaganda and will make Harriet Harman shake like a lobster next to a boiling pot.
Certificate Triple X at a cinema near you.
"Ungodly fornication of the highest quality" The Archbishop of Canterbury.
"He's living the dream" The Dalai Lama.
"Condoms are the Devil's clingfilm!" The Pope.
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