Review of Chinese of Banbury

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Flat two minutes walk from the station on a new-build estate with plenty of parking. Estate is safe and clean. Flat itself is a working flat, i.e. there's a bed and a chair in the room. It's comfortable enough but that's about it.

This is not a review of one lady. The flat changes girls every week and this review is based on half-a-dozen visits over the past couple of months. The salient points are these: None of the ladies is, or looks remotely like, any of the girls in the photos you see on the various sites on which this establishment advertises. If you call the number, you'll be told she's between 20 and 25. All I can say is she used to be, on average between ten and fifteen years ago. The ladies are all mid- to late-30s and, despite Oriental girls tending to appear younger than their age, they look it. I honestly wouldn't be shocked if I found out a couple were closer to 50 than 35. In terms of looks, the half-dozen girls I've seen vary between forgettable and downright unattractive. I've not seen one who comes close to being good-looking, I've seen a couple that I'd say were passable MILFs and I've seen a couple who, frankly, I've thought "get me the fuck out of here" before the little man took over. What I really hate, though, isn't so much the mediocrity but the mendacity. If the proprietors were honest about the girls ages and used real photos I'd be more forgiving but I think as punters, when we come across rank liars it's our duty to each other to make people aware of this.

The experience is totally rote so even though I'm reviewing multiple girls, a one-size-fits-all review suffices. You go in. You pay. You do the business. No girl I've met has been able to speak more than two words of English so you just disrobe and lie on the bed. You then get 20 minutes of massage. This has varied between the quite good and the pretty average. To be fair, I haven't had an awful massage; most of the girls know what they're doing and the truth is, the massage is about the only really useful thing that happens. If you have any back issues or post-gym tenseness you might find the massage worthwhile (though you wouldn't pay £70 for it and it's not why you're there.)

After that, it's protected oral and sex with, as noted, a not very attractive woman who 75% of the time doesn't kiss and the 25% of the time she does, tastes like a Chinese takeaway. During the sex, she'll use her two words of English repeatedly..."ho, you got big cock." Which, as it happens, I don't. I'm not sure if this saying is designed to flatter me (it doesn't) or give her some English practice as a distraction while she's working but either way, it gets pretty annoying on the third time of saying.

Summary: If you're within a mile of the place, absolutely desperate to unload, have £70 spare that you can find no other use for and don't mind wasting, and you're prepared to set your standards low then there are worse things in the world than banging a very plain, middle-aged, Chinese lady who you don't find very attractive. But not many. I would not drive more than a mile out of my way for this place and I would not go if there was a half-decent alternative option within an hour. Sadly, with the exception of extreme circumstances, give it a miss.