Review of Lucy of LONDON BODY 2 BODY MASSAGE, London

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Flat in one of the new developments west of the Excel. Certainly a safe area, plenty of free parking as long as nothing too big is on at the Excel but ferocious traffic wardens on patrol if there is.

Flat smelt strangely of glue, not sure if that's just where it's new or if they'd have some work done.

Chinese lady, maybe mid-30s - impossible to tell if she's the girl in the photo on the site, body looks about right but it's far too photoshopped to be certain and she's certainly a lot older than the picture appears.

I'll start with a caveat - I visited this place on a whim after working 30 hours straight and needing something to wind me down from the massive caffeine rush I was on - this probably led to me being rather more dishevelled and wild-eyed than usual and may explain the lack of rapport I felt, but not most of the other minus points.

Arranged the appointment by email at pretty short notice which was good and very convenient for me. However it went downhill from there, I arrived at quarter-to as agreed and phoned to be asked if I could wait five minutes. On a freezing cold day in an area with very little in the way of life this was irritating. Was buzzed up to the flat (after a bit of a trouble finding it in the maze of nigh-identical developments), rung the doorbell - no answer. Knocked on door - no answer. Rang number, heard phone ring on other side of door and then the call was rejected. Knocked one last time and was in the middle of writing an angry text before walking off when the door was opened.

She apologised with no real sincerity, claiming she hadn't heard me ring, knock or call... maybe true, maybe not. Was shown into a room with a massage bed and double bed and offered a shower which I accepted (having, as I said, worked 30 hours straight beforehand) - small plus point, good selection of different shower gels on offer and nice high water pressure. No small talk or chat at all from Lucy or even an offer of a glass of water as I went back into the room, straight to business "body to body one hour, yes?".

Onto the bed for a very mechanical body to body massage interspersed with a half-hearted attempt at thai/chinese massage but using so much oil there was barely any sensation whatsoever. Touching seemed to be allowed but she kept moving all the interesting bits out of reach.

Turn over time, lots more oil, a bit more body to body and a fairly good handjob marred by her suddenly jumping up to get tissues (which of course should have been to hand when she started) and the somewhat annoying new trend of letting go like my dick had turned radioactive the moment my orgasm started, leading to a pretty unsatisfying conclusion.

She perfunctorily started to wipe up but then instead offered me a shower which I accepted to get all the oil off me.

She leaned against the wall and we chatted a little bit in a forced waiting-for-a-lift kind of way while I dressed. This is one of the very few times I didn't really feel like I needed to offer a tip as really it felt like a task being done for a price, with no feeling of connection or her going above and beyond.

All in all then... not a *bad* experience, I can forgive all sorts of lapses like the being left waiting etc if the rest of the appointment is good.

However with the absolutely astonishing Savanya, who will leave you almost unable to walk, being just across the way and 20 quid cheaper, and even the bog-standard rub-and-tug Chinese medicine places offering an equivalent or better experience for near half the cost, it's very hard to justify spending a hundred quid for what I received.

I won't be revisiting and would only recommend to other punters if they find themselves in the area and unable to snag an appointment with a better place.